msnewleaf

Here is the first post I ever made, on an earlier blog, about quitting drinking. This was January 1, 2019, almost a year ago. I’m glad I’m back at it (the sobriety blogging thing) even if it took so long. This time, I’ve made it past day 2! I’m transferring it here because it is still relevant, and I don’t want to forget that I’ve wanted to do this for a while now…

I drink too much. I’m in my late 40s, and I’ve been drinking too much for most of the last 20 years. It’s time to stop.

I have been circling around the idea of quitting drinking for a long time, but I never manage to make it stick for very long. I quit when I was pregnant, of course, but that was a no-brainer. Two other times, I quit for several weeks when I was on a strictly regimented cleanse diet. But, what I haven’t done is commit to truly trying a new lifestyle – one that doesn’t include alcohol. At least for long enough to know what it really might be like to not have it around. Maybe forever. We will see.

I’m not a ridiculously heavy drinker, but I do feel a strong pull to drink every single night. I also really don’t want to stop at just one, or even two, which is how I know I have a problem. I once heard a comedian explain how he couldn’t have just one drink because one drink was just “irritating” to him. I knew exactly what he meant. I guess this was one of my first clues that my relationship with alcohol is not exactly normal. The thing is, when getting drunk when you go out with your friends is what everyone does, it is hard to see it as abnormal. But, to be honest, most of my drinking is done at home. Several glasses or a bottle of wine every night is not normal. And I’ve also noticed that not everyone seems to want to drink as much as I do when we go out, either. I have no idea how much of this I have kept as my little secret all of these years, but I do know that I have been feeling a stronger and stronger urge to confess, to open up my secret and the possibility of change.

So, here it is. Today is day one. I’ve been feeling shitty all day because of how much I drank last night, and I want to remember this. I want to remember how tired I am all of the time, how my body hurts, how I have no energy to exercise or stretch, how I’m worried all of the time that I’m going to get really sick, sometime soon, from the drinking. I’m scared of cancer, I’m scared of liver damage. I’m afraid to go to the doctor because of what she might say. I already am overweight, I already have high blood pressure, and I’m pretty sure those things are connected to my drinking. I’m also tired of only being a “good enough” mother to my kid. I want to really be there, all of the time, with the energy to play with her and be present.

Still relevant. Although, I have been to the doctor since then. Luckily, I have no liver damage, but they did discover a chronic disease (not drinking related) that will probably give me a stroke or a heart attack if I’m not careful with my cardiovascular health. This is a big reason why I need to take care of myself and quit the booze (forever? I don’t know… maybe?), but certainly not the only one. Anyway, I won’t drink today, that’s for sure.

I made it through. It’s the last night of the Thanksgiving vacation, and I’m going to bed soon. Whew! It wasn’t super easy not drinking, but it wasn’t ridiculously hard, either. I’m surprised. Pleasantly. And I’m happy to have made it through the first week. I had a raging headache today (rare for me), but I felt less exhausted. I noticed that my sister is no longer sober – she was drinking wine the first night – but no one commented on it. Just like no one commented on me NOT drinking even though that’s very not in character for me. And she really didn’t drink that much, as far as I know. Perhaps someday I’ll hear what is up. And it didn’t make me feel like drinking, though, just because she was.

A little post-Thanksgiving thankfulness: I’m grateful I don’t have a family where there is a lot of strife and dysfunctional stuff going on all the time. I mean, we have our moments, but ultimately, we are all pretty decent to each other. Looking forward to not drinking tonight.

People are starting on the whisky, bourbon, wine, wine, wine, and it looks so good! I really really wish I could have one. But I’m not going to because one will lead to at least five, and I don’t want that. I really want to make it through this holiday without booze. It’s not so hard if I can keep hiding out here in my room whenever I want. They all think I’m resting because I have been sick (which is true, but obviously not the whole story). So, nobody is commenting on my not drinking. Or, offering me wine. At least not since the first night. Not so bad. I’ll make it though and won’t drink tonight.

And there’s snow here! I live in a city without snow in the winter so this is a special treat. Last night, without booze, wasn’t so bad. My body doesn’t feel great, still – I’m achy and sore – but my mind is clearer. My stepmom (while she was likely drunk) said some things to my daughter (who is still just a kid) that upset my daughter, and I was able to be clear about it and address it. Not perfectly, I’ll admit, but address it. And hopefully my daughter felt heard. She deserves to always feel heard. OK. I’m on vacation and posting from my phone so I can’t write too much without my finger falling off. And there’s snow to go see! I’m not going to drink today. See you tomorrow.

I have quit drinking before. For a few days, for a few weeks, for a little over a month, etc. So, I know that the first day, I’m usually SUPER crabby and just want to hide in bed. The second and third days, I’m usually happy to wake up not hungover, but still generally dragging around, exhausted. By the fourth or fifth day (unless I’ve committed very clearly to a goal), I’m feeling better and usually convince myself to have a couple of glasses of wine. Which, lately, always turns into at least a bottle. Clearly too much. As I’m in that exhausted stage, I’m not feeling inclined to write much. I do want to write every day, though – even if it is terrible and unedited – so that I can create an actual record for myself and keep myself accountable. That’s it for today. I’m not going to drink today. See you tomorrow.

It is 6 days before Thanksgiving, a holiday always filled with several days of heavy drinking. For me, at least. But here I am, fruit tea in a champagne flute, wanting to try this sobriety thing. I’m going to try to post every day for the next 30 days, and see how I feel. I can do it. I’m tired of feeling shitty, and I want a great life. I’m probably crazy to try now, but I’ve heard it said that there is no good time. So, it might as well be today. I’m not going to drink today.