msnewleaf

Hello friends:

It has been a month now, and I’m still going! I’m really glad I managed to pull myself out of the downward drinking spiral, and I’m moving forward. I’m back in the city this week, taking a nice solo break and seeing friends (and working – nothing can be perfect.) 🙂 Going to have Indian food tonight maybe. The first night I was here by myself, I felt a little lonely, and wine did pop into my mind as way to keep myself company. Sad but true. But, I got through it, and I haven’t considered it since. At brunch with my friend yesterday, I had a really lovely non-alcoholic cocktail. It hit just the right festive note. Feeling good!

xoxo

Leafy

Well, it’s been over three weeks now, and things are still going well sobriety-wise. Life has been stressful lately with lots of work and family issues getting me down, but I’m happy to say that it hasn’t occurred to me to drink because of these things. I’m very aware that it wouldn’t help me sort out what to do when things are difficult. This is also the first full winter in my life (except for one year when I was very young), and I have to say that the snow is not as charming in March as it is in December. 🤪 But I still think it’s pretty cool to slowly see the turning of the seasons coming. We’ve reached the slushy but still snowy stage, and I suspect that there is a lot of mud in my future. Can’t wait to watch the plants come back to life soon. I’m starting to plan my garden plots already. I’m sure the herd of deer hanging around down the street are excited, too…

xoxo

Leafy

I’m still doing well. Going though that energy jolt I usually get in the second week without booze. I honestly haven’t had much desire to drink. Maybe it is because I’m reading This Naked Mind again. Maybe it is because I’m shoving any potential thoughts of drinking far, far away as fast as possible as soon as I feel them start to make their way into my consciousness. I am trying to visualize my life happy and healthy and with no alcohol in sight. And so far, so good. And I’ve had some tough moments this week (like my sister called me to specifically not invite my partner to her wedding – long story), and I actually didn’t even consider drinking to deal with how terrible that felt. Thank goodness. I’ll try to keep it up.

xoxo

Leafy

I’m still here. I didn’t feel ready to post until I had some sober traction, but I feel ready now at one week in. I’m reading Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind again, and I have to say that I’m getting much more out of it this time around. It didn’t really resonate with me the first time. I probably wasn’t ready for it yet. But I’m really connecting with her explanation of the subconscious’s role in relapse now. I’m also making sure to put on the snow boots and get out for walks regularly no matter the blustery cold outside. And it helps. The new kitchen cabinets were painted a beautiful blue yesterday. Baby steps. I’ll take it.

xoxo

Leafy

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling with my resolve. I was feeling so strong. Then I went for a visit with my family, and it came out of nowhere. We were having a great time visiting, and my dad was drinking manhattans. And I just caved and drank. I honestly don’t know how to fend it off when that happens. I’m completely sure that I don’t want to drink (and that I can’t), but then suddenly I can’t get it out of my head that I should be able to have manhattans, too. And it just seems so reasonable. I know it’s my “addictive voice,” but it doesn’t seem to help to know that. The other thing I’m struggling with is that the conventional wisdom is that once you have a problem with alcohol, you have to go completely abstinent or it just gets worse. And, for me, I think that makes sense. And yet, there seem to be some who are able to change their relationship with it. Some folks I read here describe successfully doing this, and it is confusing. How does this happen? If alcohol is addictive, and someone who has a problem with it will always have the addiction once it starts, why are some people who seemed to have a problem able to successfully do this? I don’t begrudge anyone their success! I’m happy for them! And I know we all need to make decisions for ourselves based on our own situations. But I’m struggling with it.

Well, that’s where I am. Maybe tomorrow things will be more clear.

I’m pretty excited to have reached Day 14 again. I haven’t been here for quite a while, and it feels good. Really good. Of course, as my friend Claire pointed out today (https://gettingsobernow.wordpress.com/2023/01/14/hearing-voices), the psychological cravings can really come out of nowhere right when you’re starting to feel good. (“Really, this is it? You’re never going to feel that ‘blissed out’ feeling from wine or whisky ever again?”, the addicted part of our mind says to ourselves. “That’s too much to give up! You’re going to give in eventually, might as well be now.”) It’s usually in the evening, and the way I deal with it is some nice tea, early to bed, an engrossing book or TV show, perhaps a bag of licorice, and knowing that I will be glad in the morning.

Truth is, I have been on this merry-go-round too many times before. I remember that alcohol doesn’t even give me the high that I’m actually craving. The more I actually focus on the feeling, the more I realize that 90% of the time, the buzz doesn’t feel as good as I think it should. And, of course, I want to just keep drinking to chase it. Our minds romanticize the experiences we have had before and build them into something that just isn’t true. Isn’t attainable.

And, of course, there’s the fact that alcohol is poison. Even in small amounts. And who wants just one glass of wine anyway? Not me, that’s for sure. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/13/well/mind/alcohol-health-effects.html

I know I am pretty vulnerable to this psychological pull, but I’m going to keep going. For anyone else reading this in the same position, keep going!!

xoxo

Leafy

Day 7. Still sober. I have been feeling really good. My blood pressure is down, I have more energy, and I’m getting lots of stuff done. On the other hand, I’m definitely still craving alcohol. Early days, of course, so to be expected. I was a little worried about it tonight, though, so I’m here checking in. It definitely helps. Getting in bed early. My daughter is learning to ski, and she is scared to get on the chairlift tomorrow. I’m glad I’ll be clearheaded to talk her through her anxiety in the morning.

xoxo

Oh, I’m cranky tonight. First real craving to drink it away. The walls are closing in and I’m super touchy about everything. Lashing out is second nature. But, I’ve been here before and know it will be better in the morning. Staying sober and going to bed early. Day 4.

Yesterday, after I managed to get to my computer, I realized it was a work holiday. So, I went through my accumulated vacation emails to get a head start on today, then went back to bed. And slept for 4 more hours!!! I guess I needed it! The last time this happened was right after I finally was able to move my mom into assisted living. I hadn’t even realized that I felt such weight until it was lifted. This time, we just moved my mom into memory care as her dementia has progressed, and I was expecting to hate it. But, it turned out to be a place with warm, loving staff and a great atmosphere-better than assisted living, really, even if it’s a locked facility. It’s been so weird – her slow decline. The other day, when I was driving to see her, I started crying about losing my mom for, really, maybe the first time. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I needed to rest yesterday, but I also feel it’s more than that. Things have been changing so much, and I feel like this moment in time is such an opportunity for growth (and hopefully, resolution of some long-standing issues). Day 3. xoxo

Day 2. The title says it all. It’s early morning, and I’m psyching myself up to greet the day. First day back to work, and work has been very stressful lately. But I’m not hungover! Which is a great thing.
xoxo