Well, I’ve made it to Day 3 (again), and I’m really glad. It is a weight off my mind that I am no longer drinking. Damn. As soon as I said that, I started thinking about how great a glass (you know, a bottle-sized glass) of wine sounds. But no matter, I’m not going to drink today.
It isn’t easy, though. Last night, I was very anxious, and my partner suggested some wine. He started to balk when I said I didn’t want to drink but stopped when I told him that I definitely would not just drink a glass of wine. I would drink the whole bottle. It’s ridiculous trying to pretend it is any different. He knows this from his own experience with addiction, but still, he tries to pretend. Anyway – I’m not going to pretend. If I’m going to drink, then I’m going to drink the whole bottle. Period. And I would have to be OK with that. And today I’m not.
But, no, it isn’t easy. As you may know if you’ve read my blog before, the biggest motivator for me to stop drinking is generally health. No doctor has said that I can’t drink, but it seems prudent. My disease can affect my liver, my cardiovascular health is particularly at risk as well, and I also don’t know if a history of regular binge drinking could affect my ability to get a treatment in the future. The sad thing is that doing the right thing to try to make a bad health situation a little better (but not fixed) isn’t super motivating for me. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to do healthy things without keeping a vision in my head of an ideal outcome: a perfectly healthy me. That isn’t going to happen, and now I really have to accept that. I’m going have to resist the temptation to say, “Fuck it! I’m dying anyway. Might as well drink!”
Yes, my motivation is going to have to come from a place of wanting to stay in the present moment (since that’s all any of us have, of course) and really experience life to the fullest. And to embrace the idea of doing whatever I can – even if it doesn’t end up working! – to stay alive and healthy as long as I can.
I hope I’m not depressing anyone too much. My goal is actually to get to a point where I don’t think about the disease too much, and I just think about living. I’m fortunate to live in a city that is home to one of the best research hospitals in the country, and I have a second opinion scheduled with a doctor there for next week. Then, I see my actual doctor the following week. Hopefully, things in my brain will settle down then. And I’m going to do my darnedest to stay sober and see how it goes.
Much love and support to all of you!