Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling with my resolve. I was feeling so strong. Then I went for a visit with my family, and it came out of nowhere. We were having a great time visiting, and my dad was drinking manhattans. And I just caved and drank. I honestly don’t know how to fend it off when that happens. I’m completely sure that I don’t want to drink (and that I can’t), but then suddenly I can’t get it out of my head that I should be able to have manhattans, too. And it just seems so reasonable. I know it’s my “addictive voice,” but it doesn’t seem to help to know that. The other thing I’m struggling with is that the conventional wisdom is that once you have a problem with alcohol, you have to go completely abstinent or it just gets worse. And, for me, I think that makes sense. And yet, there seem to be some who are able to change their relationship with it. Some folks I read here describe successfully doing this, and it is confusing. How does this happen? If alcohol is addictive, and someone who has a problem with it will always have the addiction once it starts, why are some people who seemed to have a problem able to successfully do this? I don’t begrudge anyone their success! I’m happy for them! And I know we all need to make decisions for ourselves based on our own situations. But I’m struggling with it.

Well, that’s where I am. Maybe tomorrow things will be more clear.

17 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Hey Leafy- sorry to hear of your struggle. You’re not giving up though, so in a way that’s a good sign. For me, I needed to stay away from all triggers – any events, family or social where there would be an emphasis on drinking. And when I felt strong enough, I would need to know that I could leave if I did choose to attend. That I would be supported by those around me. It’s hard when that “drinking voice” starts to woo you…. you’ve got to recognize it for what it is. Nip it in the bud. I just keep replaying in my mind my last drunk… still works to this day. Yup, some people can appear to change their relationship w/alcohol but most, who cross that line, can’t go back. Is it worth it to try moderation? If you could change your relationship with alcohol, wouldn’t you already have? It’s something to think long and hard about. After 9 years sobriety, I went back out and it took 20 something years to get sober again. But I consider myself blessed- a good many folks don’t ever make it back. All I know is that I don’t want to crawl under a bar any lower than the last one. Hugs and forgive me if all this sounds preachy….🙄

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  2. Hey Leafy🤗. I definitely had to be “on guard” the first 6months to a year with my sobriety. Either staying away from potential drink zones or going in with a plan such as bringing a couple ginger ales and only staying an hour or so. Doing something healthy afterwards such as going for a walk also helped train my mind toward wellness for myself. No idea how others who abused can still do that dance. I’m a full throttle person, so best for me to abstain. Plus I have a 40 year history of how alcohol was not kind to me and it controlled me. It takes awhile to turn the ship a new direction especially if it’s created a deep pathway in your mind. The key is keep fucking turning that ship. You are so worth it❤️

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  3. Hi Leafy ♥️ I don’t have any advice to give, but I am sending lots of love and hugs and support 🌸 you are a wonderful person and you will figure it out, no doubt about it 🍃 🌱♥️✨ xxx Anne

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  4. Morning Leafy! I think it’s always best to completely abstain, I shall get there someday I think. I am able to take it or leave it these days. I think it’s because my obsession with alcohol I have turned into an obsession for working out. I had to find something I loved more. I don’t want to do anything to hinder my morning workouts. I get up at 4:30am and enjoy my mornings now immensely. I also love how proud I am of myself for getting to where I am right now. I’m just generally very happy now and never want that feeling of waking up miserable and upset at myself. I overall do more healthy practices and just recently started to up my reading. Basically alcohol hinders me doing any of these things. I say abstaining is best. Im a work in progress however quite happy where I’m at right now.

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  5. I’m with you and still finding my way and working out what I’m doing. It’s not easy and we don’t all have the same journey. Be kind to yourself, reflect and stay aware. That’s all I can offer really. Other than my unwavering support and understanding whatever your journey looks like ❤️❤️

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  6. Hi Leafy,
    How you doing? I never could figure out why some folk could abstain and then later manage to drink ‘normally.’ I could never do that, and I tried and tried to be one of those people. In the end, I had to accept it’s all a mystery. A paradox as to why that happens. I just had to learn to accept it for what it was. In that first six months in particular, I had to stop thinking about others and simply focus only on what I could control ie not picking up that first drink, avoiding high risk situations and knowing when my biggest moments of temptation were, which was basically between 4pm and 8pm every single damn day. I ended up walking the dog a lot every single night, at some point, during that time slot. Poor pooch, but he seemed to enjoy it and it kept me sober. Let us all know how you’re doing. 👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It really helps. I’m ok. Trying to get some sober momentum again. So far, so good. But I’m feeling pretty humble about it. That’s for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Struggle, i think, is always going to be part of this- whether mentally, physically, or both. I just accept that my demons will always be with me, waiting to strike. I am once again coming up on a year AF, and that is only because i had 3 glasses of wine last march one night. Prior to that my last drinking was christmas 2021 and i got so very sick. In fact, that whole year ( 2021) i didnt drink hardly at all, but when i did i got more sick than i ever had. i guess all of that has led me to where i am. Who knows? The thing with me this past year is that for some reason, i cannot even stand to think about alcohol for more than 15 seconds and how that happened is a mystery to me. Was it getting sick from it? Was it thoughts of all that i lost when i was drinking and how much i accomplished when i didnt? or was it just simply my time to quit? I may never know. Sometimes i think i must have hypnotized myself. But what i do know is that just because i havent been struggling doesnt mean i never will again. I just pray and take each day as it comes.Big Hugs!

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  8. Leafy,
    It took me complete surrender to give up drinking. It was very slowly making my life less fun.
    Not being around alcohol helped a lot in the beginning. I know it’s hard, but it’s important. You are important enough to say no to people who want to bring it into your home.

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