Day Eight: Coming clean

Here is the first post I ever made, on an earlier blog, about quitting drinking. This was January 1, 2019, almost a year ago. I’m glad I’m back at it (the sobriety blogging thing) even if it took so long. This time, I’ve made it past day 2! I’m transferring it here because it is still relevant, and I don’t want to forget that I’ve wanted to do this for a while now…

I drink too much. I’m in my late 40s, and I’ve been drinking too much for most of the last 20 years. It’s time to stop.

I have been circling around the idea of quitting drinking for a long time, but I never manage to make it stick for very long. I quit when I was pregnant, of course, but that was a no-brainer. Two other times, I quit for several weeks when I was on a strictly regimented cleanse diet. But, what I haven’t done is commit to truly trying a new lifestyle – one that doesn’t include alcohol. At least for long enough to know what it really might be like to not have it around. Maybe forever. We will see.

I’m not a ridiculously heavy drinker, but I do feel a strong pull to drink every single night. I also really don’t want to stop at just one, or even two, which is how I know I have a problem. I once heard a comedian explain how he couldn’t have just one drink because one drink was just “irritating” to him. I knew exactly what he meant. I guess this was one of my first clues that my relationship with alcohol is not exactly normal. The thing is, when getting drunk when you go out with your friends is what everyone does, it is hard to see it as abnormal. But, to be honest, most of my drinking is done at home. Several glasses or a bottle of wine every night is not normal. And I’ve also noticed that not everyone seems to want to drink as much as I do when we go out, either. I have no idea how much of this I have kept as my little secret all of these years, but I do know that I have been feeling a stronger and stronger urge to confess, to open up my secret and the possibility of change.

So, here it is. Today is day one. I’ve been feeling shitty all day because of how much I drank last night, and I want to remember this. I want to remember how tired I am all of the time, how my body hurts, how I have no energy to exercise or stretch, how I’m worried all of the time that I’m going to get really sick, sometime soon, from the drinking. I’m scared of cancer, I’m scared of liver damage. I’m afraid to go to the doctor because of what she might say. I already am overweight, I already have high blood pressure, and I’m pretty sure those things are connected to my drinking. I’m also tired of only being a “good enough” mother to my kid. I want to really be there, all of the time, with the energy to play with her and be present.

Still relevant. Although, I have been to the doctor since then. Luckily, I have no liver damage, but they did discover a chronic disease (not drinking related) that will probably give me a stroke or a heart attack if I’m not careful with my cardiovascular health. This is a big reason why I need to take care of myself and quit the booze (forever? I don’t know… maybe?), but certainly not the only one. Anyway, I won’t drink today, that’s for sure.

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