It’s been a pretty good week and a shitty week. It’s Day 29 again, and things in the no-drinking department are going well. Last week was a bit of a failure in the health department, but I got back on the horse and started a yoga program this week. I did three days of yoga (for the first time in forever), and I’m pretty thrilled about it. I’m planning to do another this morning soon.
I’ve finally started reading Atomic Habits, by James Clear, a book that has been recommended to me by several people here. One of the things he says is that seeing yourself as someone that does a certain thing habitually (not just someone that wants to) is crucial to successfully changing your habits. Well, I am practicing seeing myself as one of those super-healthy people that eat well, sleep enough, don’t drink, and do yoga. I’m a person that wakes up in the morning, drinks an early cup of coffee in bed with the paper, and then gets up and starts her day with some yoga. I’m not even going to put it on my daily list of tasks because it is just something I do. It’s not a task. It is who I am.
Truthfully, my life has also been a little chaotic lately, and getting up and doing yoga gives me a sense of control and peace first thing. I haven’t talked about this much here, but my partner is a very sweet, funny, and artistic person who also struggles with mental health issues. He had a difficult childhood, experienced trauma at the hands of his parents, and sometimes, he gets gets so caught up in his emotions about past events that he has trouble even staying in the present moment. And he is full of anger and extreme agitation. Before you become concerned, it isn’t ever directed at me or our daughter, but it is hard to be around. And every time it happens, I think, we are a family, I love him, but maybe we should live in separate houses! This was one of those weeks.
Historically, he also deals with his agitation by smoking, drinking, or doing drugs. Right now, he has given it all up except for marijuana, but even that, he abuses. I don’t feel tempted by that, so it isn’t really a trigger for me. But … it is hard to be the only one that is sober all of the time. Not because I don’t enjoy sobriety, but because I would like to be with someone who is also, at least, sober most of the time. I’m sure I don’t have to explain that here.
Sometimes, it feels like growing pains. I want to grow, and he is stuck, is how it feels anyway. Not completely stuck, but stuck enough. Enough for me to wonder if there is another way for us to be a family. One that would work better for me. But, it doesn’t feel this way all of the time. Just enough of the time to be confusing.
I hope you all have the loveliest of lovely days. Sending love and support.