Mommy Doesn’t Need a Cocktail

I had a really rough last month. I was completely underwater with a work project, and I think I went at least three weeks with only one day off. It was hideous, but it is done now. I’m so relieved, and I can now take it a little easy going into the holidays.

I’m still sober, but I will tell you that I was pretty tempted to have a fishbowl-sized glass of wine after I finished my project. I didn’t do it, but, wow, was I was tempted! For like 5 minutes. The thing is that, generally, I am really not thinking much about drinking these days. Just a little bit, here and there. It is pretty comfortable for me right now, and I’m eyeing that one-year goal. So, even though I was all of a sudden feeling tempted, it wasn’t that hard to say “no.” And, of course, I’m glad I did. I may someday decide to experiment with booze again, or I may not. But right now, sobriety feels good, and I’m going with it. And, at 128 days, this is the longest I have ever gone without a drink as an adult outside of pregnancy.

One of the nicest things about not drinking is how I know I can be there for my daughter if she needs me. Another blogger posted the other day on this topic, and it made me start thinking about my own mom. My mom was a big wine drinker who considers herself an alcoholic and got sober (with AA) when I was around my daughter’s age. Like me, she wasn’t a black-out drunk, and she always went to work and paid the bills on time. And, she was actually always there for me when I needed her. BUT there were some choices she made (mostly around relationships) that weren’t great for me. And I ended up choosing to live with my dad and my stepmom after one particularly unstable year.

I think she controlled her drinking around me most of the time because I don’t have many memories of her drunk, but there is one incident that I remember from my early childhood where she was enraged and ended up spanking me, the only time she ever did. She must have been drunk that night. It is the only thing that makes sense to me to explain why she behaved that way that night. This incident was completely out of character for her, and obviously it made a big impression on me since I remember it all of these years later.

I have never hit my daughter in anger, but there were many nights when I was very drunk in front of her. She was always fed, always in bed on time, always read to, but I can’t help but think that she must have, on some deep level, known that I wasn’t 100% capable of taking care of her during those times. I feel a lot of regret about that. Obviously, I’m glad I’m not doing that any more. Even more than that, though, sobriety leads to being fully present with her much more often. Which is amazing.

I’m really looking forward to my sober Christmas this year, with a cozy mug of something yummy, snuggly in pajamas, and lots of love.

With much love and support to all of you!

xoxo

Ms. New Leaf (AKA Leafy)

11 thoughts on “Mommy Doesn’t Need a Cocktail

  1. So good to hear from you, Leafy, and your Christmas plans sound fantastic. The gift of being sober is the best present ever for you and your family. I too have those memories of buzzed parent with much regret. I don’t stay there to long though. I instead focus on the now and how much my life is brighter and all the light I now have to share. Hope you can have some good downtime❤️🤗😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you have some time to rest and chill before Xmas starts. Sounds like it’s been a hell of a month. I too feel ashamed and sad about my boys witnessing me drunk, spouting rubbish and clearly not being in control. My eldest was particularly vocal about how relieved he was that I’d given up. He was 15 at the time and I know now that he found my drunken behaviour embarrassing but couldn’t tell me. I wish I’d stopped when he was younger but at least I’ve done it now. Hopefully I have begin to create positive memories that will overshadow some of the rubbish ones that involve me and booze. Hope you get some time to chill and Xmas sounds perfect to me xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Claire! I wish I had done it younger, too, but it is what it is. I’m certain your sons have many good memories of you. I hope that you and your family have a very wonderful Christmas! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like you’re in a great place with your sobriety! I agree, getting/staying sober for your children is such a huge motivator. Hope you have a lovely, restful holiday filled with peace and love. 💕🎄

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m loving your Christmas plans! I really love how our mother-daughter bond has changed and like you said, it’s just being fully present that I love the most. I love too how we have hot cocoa nights or milkshake nights. When I was drinking I would certainly make them for my girls but I would have my drink. Now we enjoy together and I love that. Great to hear from you! Merry Merry Christmas to you and your family!

    Liked by 1 person

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