For those who responded to my last post, thank you for the support. This community is truly lovely and amazing, and I have been thinking a lot about what you said. I have also been thinking about what I said and trying to decide how I want to proceed from here. Do I start counting days again? If my intention is to not drink alcohol, that would create the most accountability. Is that my intention?
What I know is that I want to improve my health, make positive life choices and changes, and face the fears and habits that hold me back from doing what would be best for me. Changing my relationship with alcohol is a critical piece of this work. Not drinking means that my head is more clear, I don’t have alcohol-fueled anxiety, and I feel pretty great in the morning (my most productive part of the day). I think drinking heavily and/or regularly holds me back. Even if I don’t drink that often, I do want to drink heavily. A whole bottle of wine is too much, and that much hasn’t changed. At least not yet. Maybe it never will. I also think that it is very possible that I would drink more and more regularly if I completely took the brakes off (and if there wasn’t a pandemic going on that makes it just a little harder for me to decide I would like to drink). I don’t want that to happen.
Alcohol isn’t the whole story, though. I tend to start and stop positive changes over and over. I started meditating every day early in this journey, but then I just stopped. A couple of weeks ago, I exercised four times a week for two weeks in a row. Then, I stopped. I’m no longer eating tons of sugar every day, but nor am I eating all of the fruits and veggies I need every day to properly fuel my body.
Alcohol may not be the whole story, but it is an essential piece of the puzzle. All of the other things are just too hard when unhealthy drinking is part of one’s life.
I don’t have any answers. All of this is just churning around in my head right now. I’m thinking as I’m writing here, so forgive me if I don’t have everything tied up neatly with a bow.
Still, I’m doing ok. Feeling good this morning. About to get coffee. Thankful to wake with a clear head and blue sky with chirping birds outside. Even if the city hum is returning. I hope you are all well, too, and sending love and support your way.
Ms. New Leaf