I’m going to just come right out and say that I had some wine. Again. A few times. The last time was a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t known what to say about it because it hasn’t been a cut-and-dried experience. I have also been a bit afraid to talk about it because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone (silly, huh?), and I didn’t want to somehow trigger anyone else (I know, I know, I’m not the center of the universe!). And I still feel basically like a non-drinker now somehow. However, today I read that my lovely friend Claire (clairei47) celebrated six months of sobriety (yay, Claire!!!). Since we started together, I would also be celebrating six months but for these … what do I call them? Not exactly slips since they were decisions I made. Relapse also doesn’t seem appropriate as it hasn’t been at all difficult to not drink again afterward. Also, there’s no compulsion to drink every day at all. It’s been more like a few times I suddenly felt like drinking wine, decided to do it, it was OK but not great, and then I stopped again the next day. What is that? A dangerous, slippery slope? Maybe. A change in my relationship with alcohol? Definitely. What kind or of what duration? I don’t know. But Claire’s blog made me realize that I needed to say something even if I didn’t know exactly what to say because I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding anything. And I have a relationship with my friends here, and I want it to be an honest one.
There are a few things I do feel like I know. First, I can say with my whole heart that I truly prefer not drinking to drinking. Drinking is just not that great, and I think the only reason I liked it so much is because, with every day use, alcohol is pretty good at convincing you that it is great. But, actually, when you only drink now and then, it’s just a little buzzy and only mildly relaxing. And then, the next day there is a sense of anxiety that isn’t real. It comes from the booze. Second, when I do drink, I still want to drink a whole bottle of wine. There is no way I just want to drink one glass of wine EVEN THOUGH it isn’t that great. Third, I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed about it afterwards. I guess because I was able to just not drink again after the one night. But … I don’t like that I want to drink that much poison in one sitting. It isn’t good for me even if it isn’t every day. Fourth, there is NO WAY that I ever want to drink every day again. Shudder! Fifth, I am still curious about not drinking for a LONG time and what that would be like. Would it be different from now? The world is so upside-down right now that it seems hard to tell what normal even feels like.
Right now, I have no plans to drink in the future, but that doesn’t mean it won’t all of a sudden sound good to me again. I guess I just have to keep plugging along, trying to make the best choices I can (for me) each day. And I’ll keep reporting in here even though my journey hasn’t been a straightforward one.
Love and support to all of you.
Ms. New Leaf