The Cat Scratching Inside the Bag

I’m going to just come right out and say that I had some wine. Again. A few times. The last time was a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t known what to say about it because it hasn’t been a cut-and-dried experience. I have also been a bit afraid to talk about it because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone (silly, huh?), and I didn’t want to somehow trigger anyone else (I know, I know, I’m not the center of the universe!). And I still feel basically like a non-drinker now somehow. However, today I read that my lovely friend Claire (clairei47) celebrated six months of sobriety (yay, Claire!!!). Since we started together, I would also be celebrating six months but for these … what do I call them? Not exactly slips since they were decisions I made. Relapse also doesn’t seem appropriate as it hasn’t been at all difficult to not drink again afterward. Also, there’s no compulsion to drink every day at all. It’s been more like a few times I suddenly felt like drinking wine, decided to do it, it was OK but not great, and then I stopped again the next day. What is that? A dangerous, slippery slope? Maybe. A change in my relationship with alcohol? Definitely. What kind or of what duration? I don’t know. But Claire’s blog made me realize that I needed to say something even if I didn’t know exactly what to say because I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding anything. And I have a relationship with my friends here, and I want it to be an honest one.

There are a few things I do feel like I know. First, I can say with my whole heart that I truly prefer not drinking to drinking. Drinking is just not that great, and I think the only reason I liked it so much is because, with every day use, alcohol is pretty good at convincing you that it is great. But, actually, when you only drink now and then, it’s just a little buzzy and only mildly relaxing. And then, the next day there is a sense of anxiety that isn’t real. It comes from the booze. Second, when I do drink, I still want to drink a whole bottle of wine. There is no way I just want to drink one glass of wine EVEN THOUGH it isn’t that great. Third, I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed about it afterwards. I guess because I was able to just not drink again after the one night. But … I don’t like that I want to drink that much poison in one sitting. It isn’t good for me even if it isn’t every day. Fourth, there is NO WAY that I ever want to drink every day again. Shudder! Fifth, I am still curious about not drinking for a LONG time and what that would be like. Would it be different from now? The world is so upside-down right now that it seems hard to tell what normal even feels like.

Right now, I have no plans to drink in the future, but that doesn’t mean it won’t all of a sudden sound good to me again. I guess I just have to keep plugging along, trying to make the best choices I can (for me) each day. And I’ll keep reporting in here even though my journey hasn’t been a straightforward one.

Love and support to all of you.

xoxo

Ms. New Leaf

23 thoughts on “The Cat Scratching Inside the Bag

  1. This is a great post and I am so glad you can be honest. I think it is really really important that people share the ups and downs and the truth about sobriety here. It’s not one path for all and different people will manage it different ways. I know exactly what you mean about drinking a whole bottle, I still would now. I said that to my husband earlier. If I’d poured a glass of wine rather than AF wine at 5pm to sit out in the sun after being stuck on my laptop all day, I would have stayed there and drank a bottle and half or more. Fallen into bed and the evening a washout. That’s me. We all are different. Personally I think you sound in a good place and very much in control of it. Never feel you have disappointed me my friend. You do what you need to and I’ll be her for you whatever. I know you’d do the same for me too. Claire xx 😘❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh man all I can say is thank you for being real. Even here with a world between us, I can see how one might think they have created an image and dont want to let anyone down. Well I can tell you that your transparency is 100% appreciated. This is the battle we are facing and we need to know all manner of ways to deal with it, and you experiences

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  3. I think it’s important to be honest, otherwise it just has that much more power over you. You sound like you’re in a good place. And we are here for you no matter what! 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  4. i concur..thank you so much for being transparent. I often say nothing because , like you, i am afraid to disappoint my fellow bloggers in some way. I did post about this a few times myself and feeling the same – a few times having 1 or 2 beers, or a few glasses of wine as i reassessed my relationship with alcohol, and another time recently when i went overboard and learned a lesson. But with full transparency here, i also admit that i believe i have come into a balance with it all. Yes, i am an alcoholic. Yes, testing the waters is a slippery slope. But as with anything else in life we must experiment and we learn. My logic is this- IF i did not occasionally test myself ( under very controlled circumstances , mind you- meaning i have someone watching me and monitoring closely in a pre agreed arrangement –someone who knows my situation and condition) i would never be able to use those variables to make decisions with a sound basis.This is not , in any way, to encourage anyone to do the same. It is simply a personal choice. That being said, i do not take it lightly . and fully understand i can be 1 drink away from a relapse at any time…Big Hugs and Good vibes!

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  5. Wow… it is crazy to read this post after writing my own. Nice work on the honesty. I don’t think any of us can go wrong with that.

    I know I have the same issue as you (and most others here) in that I do want the whole bottle not just a glass, and I feel anxiety the next day. I keep reminding myself of that. For now.

    For now, I held off through another lunch. Coming away from it all to make a blog post definitely helped with that. It was pour into the glass, or pour onto the page. This time, once again, I chose the latter. I’ll see how it goes. I hope you continue to blog, whichever way things go for you. It’s really helpful.

    Hugs and thanks.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Hey Leafy – you said it perfectly with making the best choices for “ME”. That is totally it!!! As I told Lovie – tell guilt and shame to frick off! Life is constantly about regrouping and adjusting along the way. You are rocking it my friend – big hugs🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  7. On the contrary, thank you so much for posting, it’s really instructive, and transparency is also the BEST antidote against guilt and shame 🙂 Personally, this line really helped me: “Second, when I do drink, I still want to drink a whole bottle of wine. There is no way I just want to drink one glass of wine EVEN THOUGH it isn’t that great”. I think for myself, I only would be ready to try again if I was “certain” that I could moderate, and I’ nowhere near ready so imma keep walking this path for now 🙂 sending big big hugs xxx anne

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  8. I get this totally! I started in January and have had many ups and downs and life went haywire! I fell off and on and off again but I’m still learning too and hoping to find that clarity. I have been too busy to post or read for a while, but I think things are clearing and settling. Sounds like you did well handling the wine and letting it go again. Nothing wrong with that! I think we hope for a magic moment when the sobriety makes us sooooo happy but I don’t know that exists. We all have to find our own happiness and happy place. I fee like you do – so much happier without it! But I’ve still struggled with it as well. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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