In three months, I will turn 50 years old. A half-century on the planet! Truthfully, it doesn’t seem like that much time, now. I thought I would feel different, older, when I turned 50, but my view of myself does not match what I was taught to believe 50 would be. Except for my body. I haven’t been giving it the love it needs for many years, and it shows. But my mind still feels young … ish, at least.
My daughter asked me whether she would forget how to imagine and play when she grew up, and I had to acknowledge that I just can’t get into playing pretend anymore. I’m too grounded in the real world now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the magic of the universe. I do. Especially when I am not drinking alcohol regularly or at all.
Yes, I have a better connection to magic, peace, love, and the thrill of life when I am not dulling myself. I know many people think the opposite is true, but I don’t think so. The most sublime moments I have spent in nature or listening to music, for example, are always when sober (except for a few times with help from magic mushrooms, but that is something different…).
Even though I know this is true, there is always, somewhere, that nagging urge to disappear, float away, curl up and hide, and sometimes, I give in. But I’ve stopped giving in, for now, so that I can experience more magic, peace, love, and life. And, of course, be as healthy as I can be.
Even though it is just a number, I want to go into this birthday with a clear mind and a healthy body. I won’t be drinking, of course, but that’s not the whole story. Since last November (the last time I drank a bottle of wine nearly every day), I have slowly started taking better care of myself, but there is still more to do. I’m not going to plan a schedule where I vow to (exercise, meditate, eat enough veggies, etc.) a certain number of times a week because that only lasts so long. But, I am intentionally trying to make healthy choices most of the time.
I’ve also started planning my day first thing in the morning, writing down my intended goals on a fresh list but not beating myself up if I don’t cross them all off. So far, this seems to motivate me, but I’m pretty sure I need accountability, too. So, I’m stating my intention here.
I hope you are all safe and healthy where you are. As always, much love and support to you.
Ms. New Leaf (aka Leafy)