Finally! It is Saturday (day 57!), and I can sit down to finish a post I started last Sunday. My weeks are so crazy busy that all I can do in the evenings after work is get everyone fed and collapse into bed with a book for a bit before my (very early) bedtime. But, now it is Saturday of a three-day weekend (hooray!), and it is time to catch up.
My last post was pretty down (that seems to be how it goes right now – up and down), but beautiful new friends I have through this blog helped me out of my funk. Thank you! And I had a fun time on a playdate with another mom. By Sunday morning, I was having an interesting conversation with my partner about whether we can get the feelings that we love about drinking without drinking, and we both agreed that we could. For context, my partner is an addict (I have his permission to disclose this) currently in a harm-reduction program. He is not drinking (thank heavens as he is a no-holds-barred black-out drinker when he gets going), but is struggling to get off of everything he uses. He is also a very sweet and loving guy.
During our conversation, I had one of those moments I have now (sometimes) where I could suddenly see clearly how unnecessary alcohol was. My partner often tells me that he would like me to be able to drink because of how anxious I can get and how alcohol mellows me out so well. It is true that it works very well as an instant “medication,” but in the long-term, it doesn’t seem so great. To say the least.
We had a long discussion of “fun and happy” drinking, what feeling we are really trying to achieve with alcohol at those times, and other things that cause that feeling without booze. Like the feeling of being cozy with a warm drink in front of a fire having a good chat with your friends. You really don’t need alcohol to get the desired feeling of camaraderie, belonging, stimulation, happiness, and coziness from this situation.
What I was left with was that alcohol ultimately just makes me feel NEED. Not any of the real things. Like something is missing – a hole of NEED in my chest that wants to be filled with alcohol. And I really don’t like feeling NEED, NEED, NEED.
Unfortunately, I still feel it. But, I think it is less and less each day. I think that once the NEED goes away, I will be able to feel fully satisfied with all of the activities I like to do without the addition of alcohol. I want to hold on to this. I very well may come back here tomorrow with another bummer post, but I would really like to hold on to this.
Thinking good thoughts for all of us.