Day 50: blah and more blah

I apologize in advance if this post is unfocused and rambling. I’m just going to try to write out what I am feeling right now, but I’m not sure how it is going to go.

I’m at day 50 (halfway to my current goal of 100 days), and I feel like MORE and EXCITING and INSPIRED and THOUGHTFUL and FULFILLING should be happening by now, and they are not. I’m impatient and a little bit scared. What if I get to day 100, and I’m not inspired by by new sober life? What if I decide to go to 180 days or 360 days or whatever, and the magic still doesn’t happen? Will I go back to drinking wine?

I don’t mean to be a downer, I really don’t. So, if this isn’t what you need to read right now, please feel free to look away. And don’t worry that I’m going to drink today because I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just having a case of the blahs and feeling a little cranky that things aren’t further along. I also know that I was blogging about pink clouds not that long ago.

I think I’m past the exciting first days of “this is a new adventure!” (obviously, I didn’t feel that way every day in the first 30 days…) and on to the “when does the magic happen?” I feel a little stuck. And then I think, “Well, if I’m not getting all of these amazing insights and new motivation to make life super, perhaps I should just drink?” It doesn’t help that I’ve recently been reading a few memoirs about quitting drinking where the person was drinking two, three or four times as much as I used to, and their life was in complete and utter chaos. Sometimes, those accounts make me feel like I’m not “bad enough” even though I KNOW that drinking a bottle of wine (sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more) regularly (even if not every night and some nights it really is only 2-3 glasses or none) is not healthy in any way or sane. I also haven’t had that classic spiral down to drinking more and more wine over time (except at the very end when I started taking anti-anxiety meds and all the breaks were suddenly off). But it has been consistently hovering between 3 glasses and a bottle almost every night for at least a decade so, rationally, that is dependence. And I’ve had consequences, just not big ones that I couldn’t ignore. Perhaps I’ll stop reading the memoirs for now. I just find them so inspiring sometimes.

I DO want my life to change in new and wonderful ways, and I am pretty sure I can’t make that happen while I’m still drinking. And I’m pretty sure I would hate just forcing myself to stick to 2 glasses of wine, 3 days a week or 1 glass every day. That sounds f*ing irritating just thinking about it. And I am successfully getting through hard moments without drinking where my anxiety shoots through the roof all of a sudden and all that I want is a drink. Those moments do go away, and I don’t need booze to get past it. And PROBABLY I am thinking more clearly and able to handle them better because I’m more clearheaded from not drinking. Right now, I feel like I need definitive proof that is true before I commit to that. But, it probably is.

Sigh. It’s OK. I’m going to break through the inertia and go for a walk with my family, visit my mom, and probably organize my fridge and pantry. I’m going to try to stop being such a big baby.

xoxo

Ms. NL/MNL

11 thoughts on “Day 50: blah and more blah

  1. Ita ok you fee blah. It is my biggest concern too. I used wine to cut the boredom. But just stick with it until you get to your goal and see how you feel then. You’ve been on pink clouds and blah clouds. Both are fine. Hang in there! It helps me to do something. Walk, exercise, paint, cook.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh yep, I’ve had this too! Last weekend I felt all the same things. I kept thinking, the novelty has worn off and actually I’m not sure about this anymore. What if actually shit stuff still happens and my life is crappy AND I can’t drink either! What would be the point in that!?
    A week on from that and there’s been no epiphany yet I feel less ansty about it all. As UT says, it’s the other changes that begin to happen because we are not drinking that really start to impact. These are subtle, maybe unnoticeable for a while, but they do happen. You wake up to what’s going on in your life, whether it be positive or not, and you deal with it. You recognise the good stuff and are grateful for it, you acknowledge the challenges and crap stuff (because shit stuff still happens) and you don’t dramatise it. You move through it. It’s just starting to happen for me. Only in tiny ways, barely perceptible but it’s there. I can see that it has happened for those further down the line. It’s enough for me to want it, more than I want wine.
    I drank between 2/3 glasses and a bottle probably 5 or 6 nights a week in the last few years. If it was a night with friends it would usually be more than a bottle, and a Sunday could be a bottle plus. That’s not a good relationship with alcohol for me. Whatever others do, however much they did/do and didn’t/don’t drink is irrelevant. I used alcohol, I was addicted to it and it controlled much of my life. Now I don’t, I’m not and it doesn’t. I suspect you are similar and that’s got to be the right journey.

    So glad you posted because I have similar doubts and it really helps to think it through with someone!!

    Great post MsNL
    Claire xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much again, Claire! You are totally right, of course, and I appreciate you sharing how you are thinking. It helps. We definitely are experiencing many of the same things! I went for a walk, and it also helped. It makes a lot of sense that we will be just better equipped to deal with crappy things and life in general without the burden of alcohol dependence. 🤗 (this hugs emoji is my new favorite)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s just the best emoji ever and I discovered it here!!
        🤗🤗🤗
        Sorry about the long reply, I didn’t realise how much I’d waffled on until I had to scroll through it all!
        🤣
        I just wanted you to know I have similar blah feelings. Also, I find it fascinating that everyone has different lives and journeys but we all seem to experience similar sensations and emotions at the same time points. Weird!!
        Sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
        Claire xx

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Yep, been there and felt that. I think it needs a fair bit of time to really judge how life is different without the booze. For me when I feel like you describe I remind myself of some of the bad days. I look at the diaries I used to keep, the days drinking alone, the hangovers, the feeling bad about myself. That makes me feel rejuvenated and so pleased NOT to be drinking.
    Jim x

    Liked by 1 person

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