I apologize in advance if this post is unfocused and rambling. I’m just going to try to write out what I am feeling right now, but I’m not sure how it is going to go.
I’m at day 50 (halfway to my current goal of 100 days), and I feel like MORE and EXCITING and INSPIRED and THOUGHTFUL and FULFILLING should be happening by now, and they are not. I’m impatient and a little bit scared. What if I get to day 100, and I’m not inspired by by new sober life? What if I decide to go to 180 days or 360 days or whatever, and the magic still doesn’t happen? Will I go back to drinking wine?
I don’t mean to be a downer, I really don’t. So, if this isn’t what you need to read right now, please feel free to look away. And don’t worry that I’m going to drink today because I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just having a case of the blahs and feeling a little cranky that things aren’t further along. I also know that I was blogging about pink clouds not that long ago.
I think I’m past the exciting first days of “this is a new adventure!” (obviously, I didn’t feel that way every day in the first 30 days…) and on to the “when does the magic happen?” I feel a little stuck. And then I think, “Well, if I’m not getting all of these amazing insights and new motivation to make life super, perhaps I should just drink?” It doesn’t help that I’ve recently been reading a few memoirs about quitting drinking where the person was drinking two, three or four times as much as I used to, and their life was in complete and utter chaos. Sometimes, those accounts make me feel like I’m not “bad enough” even though I KNOW that drinking a bottle of wine (sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more) regularly (even if not every night and some nights it really is only 2-3 glasses or none) is not healthy in any way or sane. I also haven’t had that classic spiral down to drinking more and more wine over time (except at the very end when I started taking anti-anxiety meds and all the breaks were suddenly off). But it has been consistently hovering between 3 glasses and a bottle almost every night for at least a decade so, rationally, that is dependence. And I’ve had consequences, just not big ones that I couldn’t ignore. Perhaps I’ll stop reading the memoirs for now. I just find them so inspiring sometimes.
I DO want my life to change in new and wonderful ways, and I am pretty sure I can’t make that happen while I’m still drinking. And I’m pretty sure I would hate just forcing myself to stick to 2 glasses of wine, 3 days a week or 1 glass every day. That sounds f*ing irritating just thinking about it. And I am successfully getting through hard moments without drinking where my anxiety shoots through the roof all of a sudden and all that I want is a drink. Those moments do go away, and I don’t need booze to get past it. And PROBABLY I am thinking more clearly and able to handle them better because I’m more clearheaded from not drinking. Right now, I feel like I need definitive proof that is true before I commit to that. But, it probably is.
Sigh. It’s OK. I’m going to break through the inertia and go for a walk with my family, visit my mom, and probably organize my fridge and pantry. I’m going to try to stop being such a big baby.