Why?!?!

This morning, I was pouring milk for my coffee, and the milk splattered all over the counter and down the sides of my kitchen cabinets. And I thought, “Why?!?! Why do I do these things?”

What happened was that I opened the milk from the wrong side last night, and during my efforts to get at the milk, I ripped the spout. Of course, I could have just realized my mistake and turned the carton around. And I certainly didn’t have to keep pouring from the ripped side even though I knew it would splatter milk all over the place. But did I stop? Of course not.

This morning, when I spilled the milk for the 3rd time, I finally figured out that I could just fix it. So, I did. What took me so long? Am I really that lazy (well, maybe…)? Is this how I live my life? Just doing the same unhelpful things over and over even though I know better? Even though I could fix it?

Then, it occurred to me that this reminds me of drinking. Why not just not drink if it causes problems and things are better and easier without it? Why do things the hard way (hangovers, shame, secrets, bullshit) if I can do them the easy way?
(Day 45)