Day Thirty: !!!

I made it! Day 30, my original goal. Here are a few things I am thinking about today as I reflect back on the last month:

It has been very up and down. Although one thing has been consistent: a persistent desire to drink that starts around 4:30 or 5 and lasts for a couple of/few hours. The good thing is that I now know that if I just wait it out, I will be glad I did in the morning. Candy helps. Going to bed early helps. And (I don’t want to get too excited yet) it seems like it has been a lot less intense the last few days. No more cursing, screaming monster in my head. Hopefully, I can keep that gal out. She’s the worst.

I am generally loving the morning time. I am a morning person, and I am no longer suffering during the best part of the day. Woo! On the flip side, I am still not bounding out of bed, feeling fully rested, every day. This may be because I have a medical condition that makes me have to get up to pee several times a night, even when I’m not drinking. This is super disappointing, but I feel pretty motivated now to find some kind of solution. Unfortunately, it probably involves no hot chocolate or tea after dinner. 😦 Fixing the sleep problem is worth it.

I’m still having anxiety. It was better for the first couple of weeks, but it seems worse in the last two. This stinks! Mostly it’s the social anxiety/insecurity kind. That horrible voice in the back of your head that tells you: “everyone at work wishes you weren’t on this project” or “you just aren’t as smart as everyone else” or “you are uncool and boring. no wonder you don’t have more friends.” Sort of a continuation of what I was feeling as a teenager and a young adult. I’m 49 years old, but I am having teen angst! I’m even feeling insecure that I’m not giving a glowing, “everything is so fantastic now that I’ve quit drinking” review of the last 30 days. Which is ridiculous since I’ve been reading a lot of sober stuff, and clearly, not everyone follows the same path. A few weeks ago, I was feeling much more secure in my skin (and, in general, this has been the trend for years). I’m guessing that not being able to suppress my bad feelings with booze is responsible for this somehow. It seems likely to be temporary. And that, eventually, I’ll feel better than ever.

My high blood pressure seems to be improving. Slower than I would like, but improving! My skin is actually worse than ever, and I’m basically the same weight. This is probably due to the massive amount of sugar I am eating. It is becoming clear that I need to change some other things if I want to really start feeling good. Like starting to exercise and cutting way back on the sugar. Unless I really need it to beat back the screaming monster. Whatever I have to do, I will do.

I am not afraid of being sober longer. I’m excited about the 100 day mark, and I can even see beyond it. I have had no real pink clouds yet (boo!), but I can sort of see how things will get better. I am able to imagine a fulfilling life without wine and cocktails ever again at least half of the time.

My friends are starting to worry that I’m going to quit drinking forever. Which may be true. I was surprised that my neighbor and close friend asked me the other day when I was going to start drinking again. Like she couldn’t wait. When I told her that I didn’t really know, but that I wanted to keep going for now, she seemed disappointed. She even said that she had had a party to go to but didn’t invite me because I wasn’t drinking. What?! I was not expecting this from her. Well, they will get used to it.

I am grateful for everyone who has been brave enough to share their stories in books and on blogs. It is incredibly helpful. And the support from new sober buddies is invaluable. Thank you.

Well, that’s it for now. On to day 100!

18 thoughts on “Day Thirty: !!!

  1. This is a great post and thanks for sharing. I’m only a week ahead of you and the road is different for everyone but I understand a lot of what you are saying. My middle of the night anxiety has gone (thank god!) but I do still have very anxious moments which trigger low mood. Yesterday morning being one of those. They pass though and I know I can handle them. That’s the difference. I’m starting to ‘challenge my thinking’ .. good advice from a very wise man I know. It’s slow progress but working. I too have the teenage angst .. I’m 47 and can’t believe I still get upset by the ‘mean girls’ mentality of some women. I have gained weight 😭 which is bloody annoying quite frankly! I need to exercise more and eat healthily.

    So .. what I’m trying to say is this:
    OMG you are amazing!! You are really doing this and you should be so proud of yourself. Brilliant. Well done!
    30 days and looking forward. It can feel like hard when some days but overall it’ll be worth it. Who needs to go to boring parties anyway!?!? 😉
    Claire xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Claire! I am very proud of myself. I really feel like it’s a whole new adventure. Thanks for your very sweet comment. Yeah, those mean girls. I just read that part in the Sober Diaries where she’s hiding in the bathroom stall and overhears those two horrible women saying she’s boring now that she doesn’t drink. It’s unbelievable that some women still act like that. Well, I’m sure one can’t be happy and be that way about other people. Too bad for them. Let’s go for happy! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yayyyy 30 days. Well done. 😊
    I don’t think I had the pink cloud either.
    It all takes time. Don’t worry about your weight. You are beautiful just as you are😁. Sleep took 3 months to come right for me. Insomnia was difficult but I made it through. Anxiety for me has mostly disappeared. So pleased by that.
    People’s reactions to sobriety are many. Jealousy of your strength is one. Impressed, is another. All that matters is what you think. It’s a pretty big deal in my book. 🥳

    Liked by 2 people

  3. YAYAYAY congratulations on 30 days!!! Even though reality doesn’t always fit our expectations of “pink clouds”, this is a huge accomplishment you can really be proud of ! One month in I was also starting to realize the things I would have to change (i.e. work on deeper issues like self-esteem etc.) if I wanted to create the life I really wanted. Quitting the booze was the necessary step to be able to see all these (not always pleasant) things clearly, but definitely isn’t all there is to it 🙂 Argh !! But again: welcome to the dark side of the force ! Unlike so many people around us, we have proven to ourselves that we can face these anxious feelings and that we are SO MUCH MORE than that 🙂 xoxoxo Well done 🙂 xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy 30 day Soberaversary!! (I totally just made that up!) I’m so very proud of you. 🙂 I feel you on the anxiety! Mine has been up and down for sure, but I’m hoping once the holidays are over the “hustle and bustle” anxiety will be over. I’m sorry your friends didn’t invite you to their party just because you’re not drinking. That seems silly. Don’t let that discourage you though! You’re doing an awesome job. 🙂 🙂 Have a very Merry Christmas!

    Like

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