I made it! Day 30, my original goal. Here are a few things I am thinking about today as I reflect back on the last month:
It has been very up and down. Although one thing has been consistent: a persistent desire to drink that starts around 4:30 or 5 and lasts for a couple of/few hours. The good thing is that I now know that if I just wait it out, I will be glad I did in the morning. Candy helps. Going to bed early helps. And (I don’t want to get too excited yet) it seems like it has been a lot less intense the last few days. No more cursing, screaming monster in my head. Hopefully, I can keep that gal out. She’s the worst.
I am generally loving the morning time. I am a morning person, and I am no longer suffering during the best part of the day. Woo! On the flip side, I am still not bounding out of bed, feeling fully rested, every day. This may be because I have a medical condition that makes me have to get up to pee several times a night, even when I’m not drinking. This is super disappointing, but I feel pretty motivated now to find some kind of solution. Unfortunately, it probably involves no hot chocolate or tea after dinner. 😦 Fixing the sleep problem is worth it.
I’m still having anxiety. It was better for the first couple of weeks, but it seems worse in the last two. This stinks! Mostly it’s the social anxiety/insecurity kind. That horrible voice in the back of your head that tells you: “everyone at work wishes you weren’t on this project” or “you just aren’t as smart as everyone else” or “you are uncool and boring. no wonder you don’t have more friends.” Sort of a continuation of what I was feeling as a teenager and a young adult. I’m 49 years old, but I am having teen angst! I’m even feeling insecure that I’m not giving a glowing, “everything is so fantastic now that I’ve quit drinking” review of the last 30 days. Which is ridiculous since I’ve been reading a lot of sober stuff, and clearly, not everyone follows the same path. A few weeks ago, I was feeling much more secure in my skin (and, in general, this has been the trend for years). I’m guessing that not being able to suppress my bad feelings with booze is responsible for this somehow. It seems likely to be temporary. And that, eventually, I’ll feel better than ever.
My high blood pressure seems to be improving. Slower than I would like, but improving! My skin is actually worse than ever, and I’m basically the same weight. This is probably due to the massive amount of sugar I am eating. It is becoming clear that I need to change some other things if I want to really start feeling good. Like starting to exercise and cutting way back on the sugar. Unless I really need it to beat back the screaming monster. Whatever I have to do, I will do.
I am not afraid of being sober longer. I’m excited about the 100 day mark, and I can even see beyond it. I have had no real pink clouds yet (boo!), but I can sort of see how things will get better. I am able to imagine a fulfilling life without wine and cocktails ever again at least half of the time.
My friends are starting to worry that I’m going to quit drinking forever. Which may be true. I was surprised that my neighbor and close friend asked me the other day when I was going to start drinking again. Like she couldn’t wait. When I told her that I didn’t really know, but that I wanted to keep going for now, she seemed disappointed. She even said that she had had a party to go to but didn’t invite me because I wasn’t drinking. What?! I was not expecting this from her. Well, they will get used to it.
I am grateful for everyone who has been brave enough to share their stories in books and on blogs. It is incredibly helpful. And the support from new sober buddies is invaluable. Thank you.
Well, that’s it for now. On to day 100!