On again, off again, over and over

It is always so difficult to come back to the blog after leaving it for months. I’ve been lurking around the edges, but I haven’t felt ready to come back until now. A lot has happened since last May. I have moved my family to that small town in the mountains – while still traveling back to the city fairly often – and it has been a great move for the most part. My daughter loves her new school, my mom is happier closer to home, my partner has embraced sober living and is very engaged in the local sober community here, and I am spending more quality time with my friends back in the city when I visit than I actually did when I was living there full time. It is ridiculously beautiful here, and we are learning all sorts of things about winter and snow. So far, my blood counts from my disease have been mostly stable, and I’ve figured out how to work with my health insurance situation to continue my care with my doctor. I AM still pretty terrified about my health suddenly going south with no warning, and I’m just having to learn how to keep moving forward in spite of that.

There have been other not-so-great things, too. As an introvert, I’m still struggling to figure out how to make friends in a new place, and my daughter is as well. We have tried a few new activities to get out there more, but we definitely need to do more if we want to meet more people. It’s pretty hard for me, but I’ll keep at it. Perhaps a pottery class next! Also, our house construction is STILL not complete. We have been living with no kitchen since moving in early fall, and it is definitely getting old. Lately, I’ve developed a fetish for cookbooks and recipe blogs as I fantasize about, someday, getting to cook something again.

One great thing, however, is that my partner’s mental health has improved since we moved. He needed a fresh start, and he is getting good care here. And sobriety is helping with that, of course. He is also an extrovert and has made several new friends already, and I’m really happy for him.

As far as MY sobriety goes, I’m sure you can tell from the title what has been going on. All of the reasons why I need to cut out the booze are still the same and just as compelling as they ever were. They are always enough for me to say, “OK, I’m getting back on the wagon. This stops now. I’m never going to [horrible thing] again,” but somehow, still never enough to stop me from listening to that voice in my head a few days in saying that it is OK to drink again and that it isn’t that bad. Even though I know it is. And I imagine, since you are reading this, that you know what I’m talking about, so I’m going to leave it there. And say that I’m not going to drink today.

With that, I wish you all a Happy New Year. May you have all of the love and support that you need in the coming year and beyond.



12 thoughts on “On again, off again, over and over

  1. Happy New Year, Leafy. Sounds like many changes are well underway with hopes for more to come. That pull to get back in that ingrained trench is a f’n bitch and tricky bastard. It’s so hard wired you don’t even pick up on its bullshit till it’s too late. Staying ahead of it takes diligence and can wear you down without some support. What’s your thoughts on you exploring the local sober community there? Sending you much light, love, and hugs. ✨

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So great to hear from you Leafy!! You sure have had a lot of changes but I was so happy to hear your blood counts have remained the same. Glad you daughter loves her new school! That’s a huge win there! Being an introvert myself I can completely understand not making friends right away. Pottery class would be fun!! I sure hope your kitchen gets complete soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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