Day 1 and Reaching Out

The last time I was here, I was very arrogantly declaring that there was no way I was going to break my promise to myself not to drink for one full year.

Well, it’s Day 1 again, and I need some help getting back on the wagon this time. It’s really hard, and I’m afraid it will not be so easy to stay sober this time. I’m about to tell you a real bummer of a story – jump off now if you need to.

Not to make excuses, but here’s what happened. Not long after the last time I wrote a post, I had some awful medical news. If you have read my blog before, you may remember that I was diagnosed with a chronic, rare blood cancer a couple of years ago. This particular condition is related to, and has a (somewhat unlikely) chance of turning into, something much more deadly. Well, the regular blood tests I have to monitor the condition turned up something strange, I had weeks of more tests and agonizing before I could talk to a doctor, and my anxiety was through the roof. It turned out to not be the MOST immediately deadly thing it could have been, but I did end up with a diagnosis of a much worse disease than the one I had before. One that will kill me eventually unless some medical breakthroughs happen soon. The median life expectancy from diagnosis is 10 years. So, in 10 years, half the people will be dead and half will still be alive. There is no treatment that I am eligible for that will beat it back (the ones they have now only treat symptoms). I’m not eligible for any clinical trials right now. When things get dire enough, I might be able to get a bone marrow transplant (but it seems that is no guarantee of a good result or, even, if I will be able to get one). I have a 10-year-old daughter who needs me. Her father is a wonderful guy with some serious mental health issues that could make it hard for him to be on his own with a kid. I don’t even have an estate plan yet because it has been too hard for me to wrap my head around what will be best for the two of them. Shit.

Of course, the LAST thing I need to be doing right now is drinking, but in the midst of all of THAT hideousness, I deliberately decided to self-medicate with alcohol. And, this time, I went right back to where I was before I started this whole journey. Drinking a bottle plus of wine or the equivalent every night. Nothing terrible happened, I didn’t embarrass myself. In fact, I had a few really wonderful, bonding times with friends I hadn’t seem for a long, long time (all of them big drinkers). Yet, the urge to continue drinking “just one more night – tonight – then you’ll quit again” is overwhelming. It is super scary. I feel stuck. Any thoughts I had lingering in the back of my head about whether I could just drink socially once in a while were clearly bullshit. I’ve upped my anti-anxiety meds, and that’s helping some. I have a therapist. Also, that glossy coat of denial has once again settled on my shoulders. I know I’ll be one of those that lives WAY past 10 years! Except that I don’t know that. I do know that I don’t want to spend whatever time I have doing nothing but sticking my head in wine-soaked sand. BUT I’m scared to face this sober. I know I have to replace this self-sabotaging coping mechanism with something else, but it’s hard to feel motivated. I wish I had a stronger spiritual side, but I’ve never been religious. I just believe in love. Anything else that happens beyond this life is unknown.

I’m not being hard on myself about it. I’m not ashamed that I’ve been drinking. But, I can’t keep doing what I’m doing.

Well, I’m not going to drink today.


Ms. New Leaf (aka Leafy)

18 thoughts on “Day 1 and Reaching Out

  1. Oh Leafy, oh my gosh I am so sorry. I have nothing terribly optimistic to say because this is really heavy stuff and fucking sucks, but I am glad you have this community for some extra support and are continuing to write. I’m not religious either, and have a 10 year old daughter. I cannot imagine how you feel.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so incredibly sorry and sad to read this and hear what you have been going through. I can’t imagine what is going on in your head and heart right now and I wish I could be there to give you an enormous hug. I am not surprised you deliberately drank again and I am glad you have had some good bonding sessions with friends, alcohol included. Whatever you decide to do with alcohol now, I’ll be here to support you. You know where I am. Keep posting and reach out any time at all. Sending so much love 💕 your way xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m pretty much speechless, Leafy! Just holding you so so so tight in my thoughts and heart! I’m here sending every beautiful loving vibe I got your way. We’re here and walking right with you on this next journey. I’ll still kick you lovingly in the ass way way way past 10 years!!! ❤️

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  4. this sounds like such a difficult time in your life, i cannot imagine. I certainly understand the feeling that one gets during these times and its so easy just to pick up the bottle. in fact, at times it really does seem to help. But all of us on here know what the end result is if we slip( and then continue to slip)- eventually it turns into relapse. Because we all know we can’t drink in moderation, not matter how much we would like to think so.I can’t write here and tell you i have been a saint this year, but i haven’t relapsed a second time either, thank God. One thing i do know is that alcohol can only cover up stuff.It never resolves it.You know the drill- get back on that horse and try, try again…as many times as you need to…big hugs and hopes for your best outcome..with everything! xo

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  5. Given your situation, frankly at this stage of the game I would work on simple harm reduction, which your therapist can help you with (being accountable to someone really helps). You need your friends too. So if you’ve not successful in complete abstinence, practicing harm reduction by limiting your drinking CAN be done, despite what the naysayers say. Hang in there…((((hugs))))

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  6. Oh Leafy I’m so sorry to hear! I totally understand why you drank! I wish I could give you a big hug! Know no matter what, I’m here to support you. I’m glad that you had friend bonding time, just what you need right now. Keep us updated on how you are doing. Sending much love to you!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Just read this after reading your Day 5… sorry I’ve been really busy and not in WP much. And I’m really sorry to read this news. Everything you’re going through thought and behavior wise is totally understandable, but by reading your other posts it looks like you’re trying to focus your thoughts and actions around being as healthy as you can for you and your daughter. I think that’s a great positive direction for you. Much research correlates positive mental attitude and longevity. We are here to love and support. The days will get easier. Love and light. 💛🌟

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Leafy, I’m so sorry for what you and your family are facing, and I’m so in awe of you coming back to sobriety. You’re so strong. It’s great that you’re writing again – I’ve missed your posts! Thank you for being so open and honest ins sharing your story. Sending you much love and hugs. Paige 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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