It’s definitely time for an update. It has been a while.
Well, first things first. I’m still on my one-year, no-drinking plan. It has now been 273 days since my last glass of wine. That number astounds me and, at the same time, feels completely normal. Just the same way that it feels super easy to not drink, but at the same time, I still think about it and miss it. I would be lying if I didn’t say that. Honestly, I am of two minds. One vaguely remembers what it was like to feel the compulsion to drink to excess every night and worry constantly about what I was doing to my health. How horrendous it was to be drunk while caring for a young child. How insane it was to injure myself in some stupid fall because I was drinking. And the other screams, “But I’m not ready for forever!!” And argues, “You managed to quit cigarettes for 10 years and have had one only very occasionally since then without going back. You could do that with booze!” And then the first mind says, “But what if you couldn’t?!?! You are thinking so much more clearly and taking such better care of yourself now. What if you lose that?” Ugh. Clearly, I’m finding surrender elusive.
It is a good thing that I set my one-year goal and that I feel strong about it. Otherwise, I would probably give in. Last night, for the first time since the pandemic began, we went out to hear live music and have dinner (outside), and I wanted to order a drink. It felt weird not to do that. At the same time, it DIDN’T feel weird. Anyway, I couldn’t do it, so I didn’t. I’m not going to break my promise to myself. We will see how I feel when I get there.
I am under a lot of stress right now so there’s that, too. I’ve been on the verge of breaking up with my long-term partner, primarily because he won’t/can’t effectively address his own addiction issues. Ironic, no? He has been self-medicating trauma for so long that he just can’t imagine not doing it. And he becomes deeply addicted to pretty much every substance he uses. And, as soon as he quits one, he seeks out another. Right now, believe it or not, it is marijuana. My relationship with addictive substances is different than his. I know that doesn’t let me off the hook, though.
Anyway, he has been declaring his intention to quit smoking pot over and over again, but then not doing it. He is in a harm-reduction program with a doctor, and he has been declaring his intention to his doctor, getting medicine to help, and then misusing the medicine by taking it while, at the same time, not quitting (thinking that it would help him “taper off” successfully). He ran out of pot, though, and temporarily doesn’t have the money to buy more. I don’t want to buy it for him, so I am not. He doesn’t have enough of the medicine from his doctor because she, knowing him, only gave him a limited supply. And he won’t call her for more. Unfortunately, this puts him in a terrible, terrible mood. I don’t want to take his shit, so I don’t. But, MAN, it is unpleasant to be around, and I am TRULY sick of it. I know that it is his addiction making him act this way, but that doesn’t make it OK for me to have to be around it.
I don’t expect anyone to give me any answers. I’m just writing it down, and it is helping to get it all out onto the page.
In the glass-half-full news, the end of my cleanse went really well. I did get to a “normal” BMI number at the end, which was fabulous. Since then, I have been going back and forth with healthy and less-healthy eating (and doing and not doing yoga), but I’m not beating myself up about any of it. And the weather today is gorgeous, and I’ve decided to take the day off from work.
I hope you are all doing well, and as always, I’m sending you much love and support.