Day 273

It’s definitely time for an update. It has been a while.

Well, first things first. I’m still on my one-year, no-drinking plan. It has now been 273 days since my last glass of wine. That number astounds me and, at the same time, feels completely normal. Just the same way that it feels super easy to not drink, but at the same time, I still think about it and miss it. I would be lying if I didn’t say that. Honestly, I am of two minds. One vaguely remembers what it was like to feel the compulsion to drink to excess every night and worry constantly about what I was doing to my health. How horrendous it was to be drunk while caring for a young child. How insane it was to injure myself in some stupid fall because I was drinking. And the other screams, “But I’m not ready for forever!!” And argues, “You managed to quit cigarettes for 10 years and have had one only very occasionally since then without going back. You could do that with booze!” And then the first mind says, “But what if you couldn’t?!?! You are thinking so much more clearly and taking such better care of yourself now. What if you lose that?” Ugh. Clearly, I’m finding surrender elusive.

It is a good thing that I set my one-year goal and that I feel strong about it. Otherwise, I would probably give in. Last night, for the first time since the pandemic began, we went out to hear live music and have dinner (outside), and I wanted to order a drink. It felt weird not to do that. At the same time, it DIDN’T feel weird. Anyway, I couldn’t do it, so I didn’t. I’m not going to break my promise to myself. We will see how I feel when I get there.

I am under a lot of stress right now so there’s that, too. I’ve been on the verge of breaking up with my long-term partner, primarily because he won’t/can’t effectively address his own addiction issues. Ironic, no? He has been self-medicating trauma for so long that he just can’t imagine not doing it. And he becomes deeply addicted to pretty much every substance he uses. And, as soon as he quits one, he seeks out another. Right now, believe it or not, it is marijuana. My relationship with addictive substances is different than his. I know that doesn’t let me off the hook, though.

Anyway, he has been declaring his intention to quit smoking pot over and over again, but then not doing it. He is in a harm-reduction program with a doctor, and he has been declaring his intention to his doctor, getting medicine to help, and then misusing the medicine by taking it while, at the same time, not quitting (thinking that it would help him “taper off” successfully). He ran out of pot, though, and temporarily doesn’t have the money to buy more. I don’t want to buy it for him, so I am not. He doesn’t have enough of the medicine from his doctor because she, knowing him, only gave him a limited supply. And he won’t call her for more. Unfortunately, this puts him in a terrible, terrible mood. I don’t want to take his shit, so I don’t. But, MAN, it is unpleasant to be around, and I am TRULY sick of it. I know that it is his addiction making him act this way, but that doesn’t make it OK for me to have to be around it.

I don’t expect anyone to give me any answers. I’m just writing it down, and it is helping to get it all out onto the page.

In the glass-half-full news, the end of my cleanse went really well. I did get to a “normal” BMI number at the end, which was fabulous. Since then, I have been going back and forth with healthy and less-healthy eating (and doing and not doing yoga), but I’m not beating myself up about any of it. And the weather today is gorgeous, and I’ve decided to take the day off from work.

I hope you are all doing well, and as always, I’m sending you much love and support.

xoxo

Leafy

22 thoughts on “Day 273

  1. I find your progress to be commendable! It’s impossible to keep up with everything perfectly but you’re prioritizing your health and your sobriety commitment, regardless of others’ behavior, so go you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is so inspiring to hear you are at day 273 and I thank you for your honesty in this post. It’s pretty amazing that you’ve stuck to your goal during a pandemic and can really relate to having a partner that “self medicates”. I often waffle between understanding and anger over this – don’t have any advice, but wanted you to know you are not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yay for feeling your feelings – not always fun, but in the long run you can be assured you are living authentically and aren’t just avoiding. (BTW, I’m in anger mode too!)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Congrats on day 273, Leafy. Sorry to hear about your partner and struggles along the way. Glad you’re focusing on your health and took off a day just for you to enjoy. This 1 year off booze is a great opportunity to create a baseline on what life looks like when you give yourself a chance outside the fog. It’s damn tough for sure facing some of our “shit” without running back to the lies of booze, but the reward to continue to work through it and finally love ourselves is so worth it. Freedom and joy. You have my complete support – keep the faith🤗❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Dwight. I really appreciate it, and I am very glad that I am going through this with a clear mind this time. Much easier to draw boundaries this way. 🤗❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Congratulations! 273 days is a major achievement. Regarding your partner, this is my opinion and other people (I hope) will weigh in if they think I’m totally off base. I think no one has to put up with bad behaviour from another adult. Ever. You are entitled to protect yourself. Always. You don’t have to “leave” your partner, but you don’t have to live with him while he sorts himself out. I can appreciate lots of women are not in a situation where they can negotiate their safety etc. But if you can, IN MY OPINION, you are entitled to live day to day in peace, safety and contentment. If he really loves you and cares about you, IN MY OPINION, he should be able to respect that you are entitled to create a situation for yourself that is peaceful and healthy while he sorts himself out. If anything, it’s like a gift that you are giving him the space to figure out what he needs, right? Your emotional state won’t be influencing his choices for example. He can’t claim to be stressed because you’re mad or said this or that. That’s my two cents. You are doing so well! Being clear headed etc to take care of your business is just the greatest gift.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. That is very good advice and something I have been considering. I am not unsafe with him, thank heavens, but it is very unpleasant to be around him when he is in withdrawal. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do agree with what Quitter says. It’s hard to say definitively because I have no idea what your background is with the partner / living / financial situation etc. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. He will show you who he is through his actions.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. 273 days! 🥰🥰🥰 That is no small feat. I applaud your strength and drive to focus on you first. That is hard enough! Just as it helps you to put your thoughts down here, it helps people like me to read them! Much Love.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Congratulations 273 is amazing. I keep tooing and throwing. Forever feels like such a long time. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time at home. I’m always here for you 🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wonderful progress, Leafy! I’m sorry you’re dealing with some heavy shit. That does tend to awaken thoughts of numbing and escape. But you nailed it when you said you’re taking care of yourself so much better and you don’t want to lose that, and honestly, you do lose that when you drink…we all know this from experience. Anyway, I’m really proud of your wellness journey! Sending love and support to you! 💛💛

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  8. how did i miss this? congrats! hope all is well! Seems like quite a few of my fellow sober bloggers are on an indeterminable haitus from blogging..not really sure why but at least i have some other blogs to follow for now..hugs and hope to see ya back on here soon:)

    Liked by 1 person

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