The Experiment

A week ago, I very deliberately decided to experiment with drinking alcohol. I was taking my friend to an extravagant birthday dinner where martinis are the usual first order of the night, and I decided to see what it would be like. So … here’s what happened: it was just OK. It was an underwhelming experience. I was expecting to really enjoy it, but the truth was that I didn’t feel like it added much to the evening. And I was tired the next day, which I did not like. So, I got back on the sober train in the morning, and I thought, “Well, now I know what that is like.” I planned to blog about it this weekend, with a week’s worth of sober days under my belt, so that I could feel feel strong and reflective when I wrote about it.

THEN, in the afternoon of the day after, I started to have that familiar feeling. You know, the thought that keeps coming around that some wine would be a good idea. And I had to resist it, just a little, to not drink. I didn’t drink the rest of the week, but then, for some reason, I decided to try again with some wine last night. Again, the same: not that great. Although I didn’t think it was going to be a problem to stay on the sober train for a good long while after the first experiment, that wasn’t true. Last night, my drinking was impulsive, not deliberate, and I see this slippery slope for what it is. I’m now writing it down so, hopefully, I won’t forget.

I need to make another commitment to not drink. I can’t say forever. I wish that I was at the point of surrender so beautifully described by my friend, Collette (gr8ful_colletteWine to Water), in her reflection on one year sober. But, I’m not. I know that I’m not in a place where I just know with certainty that I can never drink again.

I did learn something from my 100 plus days of sobriety, though. I like not drinking. I like feeling clear in the mornings. I like being connected to all of the really lovely people in this sober community. And I was just starting to learn more when I decided to briefly jump off the train. Most importantly, I do know with certainty that if I don’t make another commitment now, I’ll keep going until the train is going so fast I can’t get back on.

I’m not going to drink today or for the next 100 days at the very least. That’s the best I can do right now. I wanted to say six months, but it was too scary. It immediately made me feel like I should drink again tonight to get it out of my system. That sounds terrible, I know, but it is the honest truth.

I hope that by sharing this experience, it might help someone else who is considering jumping off the train.

xoxo

Ms. New Leaf (AKA Leafy)

18 thoughts on “The Experiment

  1. Leafy, I think it’s such a normal process to experiment…that’s how we learn what we want, and don’t want. I tried three different times (and years of trying moderation before that) before I got to that point a year ago. So don’t be hard on yourself. Just focus on the fact that you’re learning and growing and figuring things out. It’s definitely a process. We are here for you no matter what, and I’m glad you recommitted yourself to 100 days! Sending love and strength. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much Collette. I really appreciate your support. I’m not feeling terrible about it. More like I just wish I could make up my mind. It definitely is a process for sure.

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  2. Hey Leafy. Like you said it’s definitely a process. I too went back and forth for years learning more and more each time that alcohol and me wasn’t a good match. Another 100 days is a great way to keep exploring✌️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey you! So good to hear from you and thanks for sharing. You cracked 100 days and you learnt tons about sobriety and what it means for you. You are dipping your toe in the water to see what happens if … and that is such a normal thing to do. You’ll always be connected to us bunch on here, you can’t get rid of us that easily. This process is not straightforward for anyone and your amazing self awareness and reflection are a huge strength of yours. Keep blogging and sharing 😁 Hugs 🤗
    Claire xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You should be feeling good about it. Plus you absolutely should not view this as ‘starting again’ … no way! 100 days under your belt. Just make it 200 now. As far as I’m concerned you carry on, having learnt a little more! Onwards and upwards 😊😊😊 xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Incredibly helpful post. Thanks for your honesty and sharing the true wobbly feelings which so many can relate to. Can’t say enough good things about it. 💗🌱

    Liked by 1 person

  5. yes, one day at a time as they say… i tried half a glass on Moscato when my son stayed over this weekend..it was like- yuck. So in the past 2 months i have done experimenting ( very mild) and found it severely lacking..not a draw for me at all anymore…at least not now.And with them closing our liquor stores here today nationally, i am one happy sober little chicken:)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Leafy 🙂 Congrats on the honesty and self-awareness in your post, it’s really awesome and admirable, and, I believe, the true antidote to addiction. Sometimes it’s good to try something and then to just know. At least there can be no regrets. ps. I TOTALLY understand (and feel) the anxiety about committing to this (or anything) “forever” !!! I try not to think about the future, it’s the only thing that’s been working so far. We are happy to have you with us on this path ! xxx ❤ Anne

    Liked by 1 person

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