Well, I’ve made it to Day 3 (again), and I’m really glad. It is a weight off my mind that I am no longer drinking. Damn. As soon as I said that, I started thinking about how great a glass (you know, a bottle-sized glass) of wine sounds. But no matter, I’m not going to drink today.
It isn’t easy, though. Last night, I was very anxious, and my partner suggested some wine. He started to balk when I said I didn’t want to drink but stopped when I told him that I definitely would not just drink a glass of wine. I would drink the whole bottle. It’s ridiculous trying to pretend it is any different. He knows this from his own experience with addiction, but still, he tries to pretend. Anyway – I’m not going to pretend. If I’m going to drink, then I’m going to drink the whole bottle. Period. And I would have to be OK with that. And today I’m not.
But, no, it isn’t easy. As you may know if you’ve read my blog before, the biggest motivator for me to stop drinking is generally health. No doctor has said that I can’t drink, but it seems prudent. My disease can affect my liver, my cardiovascular health is particularly at risk as well, and I also don’t know if a history of regular binge drinking could affect my ability to get a treatment in the future. The sad thing is that doing the right thing to try to make a bad health situation a little better (but not fixed) isn’t super motivating for me. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to do healthy things without keeping a vision in my head of an ideal outcome: a perfectly healthy me. That isn’t going to happen, and now I really have to accept that. I’m going have to resist the temptation to say, “Fuck it! I’m dying anyway. Might as well drink!”
Yes, my motivation is going to have to come from a place of wanting to stay in the present moment (since that’s all any of us have, of course) and really experience life to the fullest. And to embrace the idea of doing whatever I can – even if it doesn’t end up working! – to stay alive and healthy as long as I can.
I hope I’m not depressing anyone too much. My goal is actually to get to a point where I don’t think about the disease too much, and I just think about living. I’m fortunate to live in a city that is home to one of the best research hospitals in the country, and I have a second opinion scheduled with a doctor there for next week. Then, I see my actual doctor the following week. Hopefully, things in my brain will settle down then. And I’m going to do my darnedest to stay sober and see how it goes.
Much love and support to all of you!
xoxo
Leafy
msnewleaf 
i dont think you are depressing anyone at all..if anything, you are just being human and honest- which is the whole point of blogging ( in my opinion)- especially when it comes to the alcoholics journey through sobriety ( notice i say THROUGH not TO ). I am always grateful for these posts more than any others because they truly encourage me to keep moving forward, whether i mess up or not! Big hugs Chica- you got this!
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Thank you so much, Lovie. I’m so glad it isn’t depressing, and I am encouraged by other bloggers’ honesty, too. It is so helpful, isn’t it? Hugs back!
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You are definitely not depressing us at all! I love reading what people are really feeling. I’m so glad you’re getting a second opinion next week. I like how you said you would like to get to a point where you don’t think about the disease so much and just live life. I sure hope that for you which right now when you have next week’s appointment and then your doctor again it likely will be hard. I blogged maybe a month ago or so that after a long stretch I drank one Saturday night. I felt like garbage the next day and now I’m back on a good streak. I can’t right now ever say I will never drink again. I don’t know why that’s such a problem with me but I have moved mountains from a year ago so I’ll just keep moving forward. 💪🏻 I am sure thinking of you and today today I’m won’t drink with ya! 😘 Looking forward to your future updates!
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Thanks, Jackie! Yes, clearly that’s a problem for me, too. Thanks for your wonderful support, as always! 😘
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Right next to you my friend. Keep posting and let/get it all out. We’ll help create a good supporting bass beat for ya! 💪 🎸
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I’m so grateful for your support, Dwight! Thank you! It is so good to have a place to let this stuff out and wonderful people like you to listen.
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Not depressing. Good to read your thought processes and be able to support you if we can. Be honest, be true and rant and rage as much as you need, and more! That’s what all this is for. Sending love 💕
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Love back at you, my lovely friend. Your support means so much to me. Thank you. ❤️
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No you are not depressing! The reality is that life is full of awful unfair things, which will happen to the vast majority of us at some point. We need to talk about it and not just pretend everything is ok. I think you have a wonderful mindset and are doing a great job! You’ve been hit with ridiculously hard news, having a freak out period seems normal.
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Thanks for that very supportive and encouraging comment. I really appreciate it! xo
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You aren’t being depressing…just processing. Thank you for your honesty. Our children are our best motivation. And remember there’s not a single good thing that alcohol will give you but so much that it will take. Hugs to you. 🌟💛
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Thank you, Collette! Big hugs! 🤗
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