Feeling Trapped (and Grateful) II

I’m feeling stuck. Trapped. Wanting to spread my wings, but knowing I can’t really get out of the nest. Not yet.

Trapped by COVID, trapped by the massive wildfires which sprung from my lovely lightning, stuck in the house, stuck in a mask, stalled in my relationship, bored and frustrated with my pandemic bubble friends, paralyzed by the thought of distance learning (which starts tomorrow), and most importantly, trapped by my own brain.

All of this is making me fantasize about the future. Do I want change? Drastic change? Pull up stakes, sell the house, quit my job, ditch my long-term relationship, move to a new state, pursue my passion career, buy a house with space for a big garden, sort-of retire and travel the world, become nomads and home school my kid, settle in a small town, give my kid the suburban life she thinks she wants, rent out my house, move near my aging dad and stepmom, find a new doctor … Am I running out of time? Will I die early? What the hell is on my bucket list?

As you can see, my mind is a chaotic place right now. Restless. Oh, so restless!

On the other hand, I can do nothing about any of these things right now. My daughter is committed to her school for the coming year, my mom is happy and settled in her assisted living apartment, I’m too scared of the virus to get on an airplane, I need my job, real estate prices are falling here so it is a bad time to sell, my partner and I are committed to raising our daughter together and get along pretty well most of the time (even if I’m not always sure this is the best partnership for me).

I’m also still grateful for all of the things I have: my trusted pandemic friends, my home, a school for my daughter that is really trying to make it all work, the wind blowing the right way (for my city, at least), my partner helping out, stable blood tests, health insurance, a flexible job, the positive changes sobriety is bringing …

Sigh. Still sober. Tomorrow is a new day.

With love and support to all of you.



22 thoughts on “Feeling Trapped (and Grateful) II

  1. Oh Leafy, you really are my sober sister aren’t you? What are we like? Maybe we can plan to make the big life changes together but at a later time. It’s so difficult, that stuck feeling, and I am not one to advise. I can only let you know I feel the same way. Plans and ideas, none of which are possible right now, whizz around my brain. But yes, we can and should be grateful for the things we do have right now. The other changes will come. I hear you on the relationship front. It’s really very hard sometimes. Doing it sober is honestly the best way, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Sending all my love and strength to you sober sis ❤️💕❤️💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I echo the above, I think everyone has these dreams and aspirations, but entirely sure what they would look like in reality or which open window to follow. I know I do. Don’t think I’ve ever looked at so much house porn imagining a different life and the life style that would come with that during lockdown.
    I also dont have any answers but I think it’s amazing you manage to stay so full of gratitude, counting your blessings. You also inspire and give back so much to this little community, you’ve helped me so much. Sending you a hug ♡♡

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh the frustration of not being able to anything big, or small these days. My family is done with our quarantine time, but can even come up with anything to do this weekend… horrible air has now taken away the outdoor options. My point is, yes I feel you! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The nice part about being unable to do anything about it right now is you have time to plan – really research, make ALL the pros and cons lists, talk to people who have done similar life changes…. go about it in a somewhat organized way to see if it’s really for you. We moved to a new school district and blended our families only a year ago, but with all the shit that’s going on in the world, my hubs sick of withering away at a corporate job, fantasize too about making a big change. With him working at home and distance learning about to start though…. I barely have time to finish a thought much less figure out my whole life :-/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hear ya! Today I worked 11 hours and my brain was wandering all over. Do I ever do anything fun anymore? How did my life become where I have to work so much, just to be barely make ends meet? Why can’t I catch a break? Then I had to remember all I am grateful that I do have. It’s not easy! Today is the kind of day I would come home and need my “wind down” drink (s) but thanks to the help of you all I am drinking green tea with pomegranate! Much love and support to you my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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