Day 89: Almost there

Tomorrow, I will have been sober for 90 days or, roughly, three months. My goal has been 100 days so I am almost there. The 90-day thing seems to be a big deal, too, though. I go back to work tomorrow after a mini vacation, and I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to post. So, yay me in advance!

Actually, I’m not totally sure why the 90-day thing is such a big thing. It IS true that I feel less of a pull to drink most of the time now, and it is not a huge deal to not drink in the evenings. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it! Because I do. OK. So, before you think this is going to be a mostly “yay, me!” post … BUMMER ALERT AHEAD.

To be honest (and what is the point of posting here if I am not honest), I think about having some wine (you know, now and again, not every day, and not excessively) often. I have not forgotten how it was hard to stop before the whole bottle was finished, and how my wine witch voice started telling me to get some every day as soon as I got off the train from work. Definitely still remember, but it’s like I can’t shake this feeling that I quit too soon. I wasn’t ready!!! I know this is a common feeling, but I am really thinking about what it would be like to “experiment” with a couple of glasses of wine to see how I feel. I know the conventional wisdom is that I’ll be “back to day 1” and I’ll go back to how I was before quickly, and that very well may be true. If it is FOR SURE true, then I guess I would like to know how to convince myself of it so I can just turn my back on alcohol for good. If that is what is definitely needed, I can do it. I am just having a hard time being sure about it.

Maybe if I had some really terrible consequences to remember, it would be easier to be sure. Of course, I know I don’t want terrible consequences, and again, the conventional wisdom is that I would have eventually kept spiraling down and had terrible consequences. But how do you convince yourself when your drinking (though too heavy much of the time) trajectory didn’t follow this path very closely? I had some pretty embarrassing moments and a few black outs, but the worst of that stuff happened at least a decade or two ago. That doesn’t mean my drinking was healthy for me, though. I know that. I really do, and I also know how much of a pull it is. Obviously. Here I am writing this post.

I also think that if I felt amazing right now, it would also be easier. But, I don’t. I’ve been the sickest I’ve ever been with colds since my kid was three this winter. And, even if I am not sick, I’m tired. I need a ton of sleep, and I still wake up tired. I’m going to go see the doctor and get checked out. Hopefully, we will get to the bottom of it, and maybe that will change my attitude.

I am not going to drink imminently. I’m really not. I may very well not drink at all ever after I hit my 100 days. I just feel like I need to talk this out somehow. And if anyone has any advice, I’d appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Ms. NL

30 thoughts on “Day 89: Almost there

  1. Hey you. I hear you. Totally. I don’t have any advice because I’m on this journey with you almost to the day! I too have picked up more colds etc than usual which is bloody annoying. Maybe I had so much alcohol swimming around my body it killed off any bugs! The forever thing is a difficult one. There is nothing wrong with considering other options and everyone must follow their own path, which may be successful moderation. Whatever you decide, I hope you keep blogging and stick with us bunch. It’s important we are all honest about our drinking … abstinence or not. Plus I’d really miss you!! No judgement here, just support with whatever you try. I want to progress to a year. Sobriety has had such a positive impact on my mental health that I can’t go backwards now. That’s my motivation but it’s all about personal choice.
    Congrats on 90 days… bloody amazing achievement xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I would miss you, too, Claire! I’m going to keep blogging for sure. I appreciate your thoughtful response. I am also considering a year or at least 180 days (when I’m not thinking about experimenting, of course!). Oh, so confusing! Perhaps I’ll have more clarity soon. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is so confusing. I just read Nadine’s comment and I think that’s helped me a little. Maybe we thought we’d get to this point and we’d feel it was done? We’d never have a yearning for it. I know I certainly don’t crave it like I did but I’m not ‘over it’. Not at all! Perhaps I shouldn’t rely so much on AF drinks to help. I know the jury is out on that one!
        See … I not help to you at all 🤯🙄😂 xx

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I can relate to so much here. The only thing I can offer is that I went for 4.5 months once prior to this stint, thought I’d have a couple of glasses during a weekend away with my husband, and was happily downing a bottle of bubbly to myself one evening a week later. And like you, nothing terrible happened when I drank, but the shame at not feeling in control was just overwhelming, and I tried several times to stop again after that with little success because I did not believe I had a real problem.

    Then I did some drunk driving on social media (my worst crime – mostly slushy comments professing universal love to all and sundry – which caused me to want to die from embarrassment the next day. It’s one thing to do it sober, but drunk and not quite remembering, well, it’s awkward. Especially if it’s to professional contacts and whatnot. ;)) Anyway, that made me want to quit again. That brought me to the point mentioned in my last post – deciding to try to quit for one year. And failing the first time, even after that. I caved at a glass of bubbly on a relative’s birthday; and within a month was drunk-internet-driving again. Then starting my sobriety blog, which essentially has kept me sober thanks to all of you.

    I think I’m still in denial. Lately it’s been hard times. I keep imagining myself drinking again while remaining “in control” at some future date. But writing this to you has helped me remember that it simply might not be possible. So thank you, Ms. New Leaf. 🌿

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, Nadine. It was really, really helpful to hear your story. And thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I know you have been going through an incredibly hard time lately, and I hope you are doing OK. Many hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey NL. I totally get this. If it’s not a knowing then it’s a mind frick for sure. As you’re taking time to think this over, reread your day 8. You do what works for you. Believe me I’ve started and then stopped things that just didn’t gel internally. It’s all part of learning and growing with no judgements and always being true and kind with ourself. You will always have my support my wonderful friend😊. Congrats on 90 days!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. OY! i know that feeling and in all honesty i have to say- it comes and goes and at least so far for me, it has never quite gone away for good. In retrospect, the first time i truly attempted to get sober i lasted 82 days ( in 2015) . Then i switched to mixed drinks. Then quit again for a month.Then switched to beer. Then drank for another few years. Here & there i stopped for a few weeks just as a “cleanse” or feeling bad about something i did, but- it never stuck. I think many of us stop at various times because something “tragic” happens and we are ashamed. And that can be a good starting point for sure. BUT, and here my big Butt pushing it’s way in ( lol)- that reason cant be the ONLY reason or it probably will not last.Just my opinion and i am sure there are some who can attest differently. So – outside of any shame or guilt or negative reason(s) for continuing on the sobriety path- what are the biggest “positive” reasons? Better physical health? Better mental health? to be a better parent? there are probably as more good reasons to stay quit than we recall at different times along the way. Focus on those. Because there is no “miraculous day” when the struggle just ‘stops’. That means that we will rationalize, reason with ourselves, make some good choices, make some bad choices, do poorly, do well, and IF we are lucky- some day that Golden Unicorn of Acceptance will forever grace the barrier between our best selves and our worst. At least, that is MY hope:)

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Congraaaaaats on 90 days ! Guess what, coming up to 6 months I feel EXACTLY THE SAME as you, really often. So much of what you wrote resonated with me. Sadly, like most of the others, I have no advice. I’ve recently made the pact with myself to keep going until 1 year, then reevaluate. A part of me also wishes I had a “rock bottom” to remember. But then I remember: my mom is the rock bottom I wanted to avoid for myself. Sigh. Paradoxically, what helps me the most is NOT making any decisions about the long term, and just sticking to the “today I don’t feel like getting drunk” feeling. And then the days just get strung together like a pearl necklace…. Long story short, you’re doing really great, and as everyone else has said in the comments, you are not alone in feeling this ! And no matter what you decide, you’ll always have support here on WP ❤ xxx Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, Congratulations on 90 days!!! I will say it, Yay you! There’s been a lot of insight shared so far AND the common feeling that we don’t have it all figured out. I liked what Dwight said about when things don’t “gel internally”. It’s a wavering, on the fence kind of unease with who we are and what we’re doing, and I’ve certainly felt that before. I’m approaching a year in a few weeks and I can say that, yes, I’ve had those same thoughts during previous times I’ve tried to quit, before things gelled internally. The fantasy is always moderation, and at some point I decided to make peace with the fact that I might have been able to continue on, but decided not to. OR, you can decide to try to, and see how it works out. Either way, it’s an incredibly good thing that you are examining your life with and without alcohol. As far as the nothing terrible has happened yet (another common thought), it made me think of a piece I read recently by Laura McKowen where she writes, “You don’t have to ever have blacked out or wrecked your car or been drunk in front of your kids or even to have been too hungover to make them breakfast one morning to qualify. You just need to have that singular, nagging suspicion that alcohol has robbed you of a presence you would otherwise have without it. ” That really spoke to me. Sorry for all the rambling and most importantly, I support you and your journey 100 percent! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I felt I had to add a comment here MNL. I’m really glad you posted this because just reading how others feel and knowing everyone struggles with this from time to time has helped enormously. I feel the last 10 data have been very testing but tonight I’m lighter again. More ‘gelled internally’ than I have been (thanks Dwight 👍). Hoping you’ll feel the same too very soon xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well done on 90 days! I did nearly 3 months about a year ago and only intended to do 3 months and then start drinking moderately. It never happened , within days I was drinking even more than before I had stopped. I’m crap at moderation. Simple as that so I always remember that experience and for me it’s easier to not drink at all than have the occasional drink. I wish it weren’t that way but it is, so I carry on, and I also remind myself that I am seeing life in a very different way sober. On balance I find it better, but it’s your journey and your decision. You’ll know what’s best for you. Jim x

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Hi honey!
    I stayed sober for 9 months!
    Then thought I could drink moderately.
    I could for awhile, but soon went right back to drinking too much.
    Three more years of heavy drinking, when it slowly became worse.
    Even now, I occasionally wish I could have a drink. But I know it would end the same way, because one would never ever be enough.
    Hugs!
    Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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