Yesterday, I had the most ridiculously hard cravings to drink. I couldn’t believe it. I had just finished telling my therapist how great I was feeling and how easy it was not to drink now, and then by the time I got in my car, I was dying to drink! Out of nowhere. And it wasn’t the kind of craving I could mostly ignore. It wasn’t musing about whether I might have some wine someday. Rather, it was the kind where I really wondered if I was going to just buy some wine and drink before my 100 days are even up. Aaaargh! But, since I know what to do, I went to bed early and read sobriety stuff.
This morning, everything was magnificently better (of course). I woke up early, drank my coffee in bed, perused the paper, etc., did my morning meditation, woke my kid up with breakfast in bed, and did my stretching. And I felt on top of the world and like everything was going to all work out. I would ultimately solve all the issues and live my best life.
Then, by tonight, I started having cravings again (but not so bad this time). The yo yo’ing back and forth is giving me a headache. I’ll be going to bed soon. Maybe with some chocolate.
It is probably because I am having one of my rare, very busy times at work, and I haven’t had a day off in 10 days. And I have the nastiest cold. Last weekend, I had to do my kid’s financial aid application for school all day on Saturday and then work on work all day on Sunday while sick as a dog. So, yeah, that’s probably it. I’ll probably feel a lot better after I get some real rest.
Of course, all this sobriety is also making me think about confronting things I don’t really want to confront. Decisions about my life that are scary and hard to make. Isn’t there some sobriety wisdom about not making any big changes in the first year? Hmmm. Could be a good plan because I’m not sure I know what kind of changes I want to make for sure. I just know that some things are not working for me. And that I don’t want to wonder what could have been on my death bed.
One thing I can do is start setting better boundaries. There is one person in my life that consistently asks me to do things that I really don’t want to do. I give in because not giving in will create so much stress, I’d rather just avoid it. Isn’t that terrible? Just writing it out here is making me realize how terrible it is. And, of course, if I drink wine, I just don’t have to think about those things. I’m artificially happy and transported to a warm fuzzy place where none of this matters so much. Hmmm. Is this where the cravings are coming from?
The boundary thing seems obvious. I will have to make a plan and execute it. Gulp. The other things can wait, I think. And now, I’m going to bed. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts.
Ms. NL (Day 75)