A week ago, I very deliberately decided to experiment with drinking alcohol. I was taking my friend to an extravagant birthday dinner where martinis are the usual first order of the night, and I decided to see what it would be like. So … here’s what happened: it was just OK. It was an underwhelming experience. I was expecting to really enjoy it, but the truth was that I didn’t feel like it added much to the evening. And I was tired the next day, which I did not like. So, I got back on the sober train in the morning, and I thought, “Well, now I know what that is like.” I planned to blog about it this weekend, with a week’s worth of sober days under my belt, so that I could feel feel strong and reflective when I wrote about it.
THEN, in the afternoon of the day after, I started to have that familiar feeling. You know, the thought that keeps coming around that some wine would be a good idea. And I had to resist it, just a little, to not drink. I didn’t drink the rest of the week, but then, for some reason, I decided to try again with some wine last night. Again, the same: not that great. Although I didn’t think it was going to be a problem to stay on the sober train for a good long while after the first experiment, that wasn’t true. Last night, my drinking was impulsive, not deliberate, and I see this slippery slope for what it is. I’m now writing it down so, hopefully, I won’t forget.
I need to make another commitment to not drink. I can’t say forever. I wish that I was at the point of surrender so beautifully described by my friend, Collette (gr8ful_collette, Wine to Water), in her reflection on one year sober. But, I’m not. I know that I’m not in a place where I just know with certainty that I can never drink again.
I did learn something from my 100 plus days of sobriety, though. I like not drinking. I like feeling clear in the mornings. I like being connected to all of the really lovely people in this sober community. And I was just starting to learn more when I decided to briefly jump off the train. Most importantly, I do know with certainty that if I don’t make another commitment now, I’ll keep going until the train is going so fast I can’t get back on.
I’m not going to drink today or for the next 100 days at the very least. That’s the best I can do right now. I wanted to say six months, but it was too scary. It immediately made me feel like I should drink again tonight to get it out of my system. That sounds terrible, I know, but it is the honest truth.
I hope that by sharing this experience, it might help someone else who is considering jumping off the train.
Ms. New Leaf (AKA Leafy)