Tomorrow, I will have been sober for 90 days or, roughly, three months. My goal has been 100 days so I am almost there. The 90-day thing seems to be a big deal, too, though. I go back to work tomorrow after a mini vacation, and I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to post. So, yay me in advance!
Actually, I’m not totally sure why the 90-day thing is such a big thing. It IS true that I feel less of a pull to drink most of the time now, and it is not a huge deal to not drink in the evenings. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it! Because I do. OK. So, before you think this is going to be a mostly “yay, me!” post … BUMMER ALERT AHEAD.
To be honest (and what is the point of posting here if I am not honest), I think about having some wine (you know, now and again, not every day, and not excessively) often. I have not forgotten how it was hard to stop before the whole bottle was finished, and how my wine witch voice started telling me to get some every day as soon as I got off the train from work. Definitely still remember, but it’s like I can’t shake this feeling that I quit too soon. I wasn’t ready!!! I know this is a common feeling, but I am really thinking about what it would be like to “experiment” with a couple of glasses of wine to see how I feel. I know the conventional wisdom is that I’ll be “back to day 1” and I’ll go back to how I was before quickly, and that very well may be true. If it is FOR SURE true, then I guess I would like to know how to convince myself of it so I can just turn my back on alcohol for good. If that is what is definitely needed, I can do it. I am just having a hard time being sure about it.
Maybe if I had some really terrible consequences to remember, it would be easier to be sure. Of course, I know I don’t want terrible consequences, and again, the conventional wisdom is that I would have eventually kept spiraling down and had terrible consequences. But how do you convince yourself when your drinking (though too heavy much of the time) trajectory didn’t follow this path very closely? I had some pretty embarrassing moments and a few black outs, but the worst of that stuff happened at least a decade or two ago. That doesn’t mean my drinking was healthy for me, though. I know that. I really do, and I also know how much of a pull it is. Obviously. Here I am writing this post.
I also think that if I felt amazing right now, it would also be easier. But, I don’t. I’ve been the sickest I’ve ever been with colds since my kid was three this winter. And, even if I am not sick, I’m tired. I need a ton of sleep, and I still wake up tired. I’m going to go see the doctor and get checked out. Hopefully, we will get to the bottom of it, and maybe that will change my attitude.
I am not going to drink imminently. I’m really not. I may very well not drink at all ever after I hit my 100 days. I just feel like I need to talk this out somehow. And if anyone has any advice, I’d appreciate it. Thanks for reading.