Day 72: the hideous dream

I had the worst insecurity dream last night about work. I was given a dedicated office space (instead of the cubicle I have now) when some people left our work and new people were hired. I was excited about it until I realized that I was moved into a closet-sized “office” space they made for me IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAIN HALLWAY where everyone is constantly walking up and down the stairs which run directly THROUGH my new “office.” I realized that they wanted me to feel good because the new hires all got offices, but theirs were nice, spacious (and private!). It dawned on me that it was because the new hires were providing valuable work for the company while I was just doing the shit tasks. It was awful, and in the dream, I screamed at everyone and quit, storming out, and for some reason, immediately found myself in a situation where I had a baby (by arms-length artificial insemination as part of some sort of contract) with an ex boyfriend I haven’t seen in years. I tell you the last bit because it is just so odd, and I thought you might find it amusing. 🙂

So, yeah, about the work part, the thing is that I used to have a job considered higher status than the one I do now. It required a specialized graduate degree and all, and while I was pretty good at it (and it was good work where I was actually helping people directly), I was stressed ALL OF THE TIME during the three years of graduate work and seven years of practice that I devoted to it.

When I got pregnant, I decided to quit my job and just be a mom for a year. Well, one year stretched to three, and by the time I wanted to go back to work, I knew I did not want to go back to my old job. So, I took another kind of job (still at a nonprofit that helps people, but less stressful, more behind-the-scenes). It’s an OK job. Nothing to be ashamed of, and I LOVE my co-workers. It’s a great “mom” job where I can feel free to take time for kid stuff (as well as my own large number of doctor’s appointments) without fear. But, it isn’t super challenging much of the time, and my supervisor definitely keeps most of the challenging tasks for herself and gives me a lot of shit work. Last year, in desperation, I went to the bigger boss (who loves me) and got a challenging side project that I was hoping might somehow turn into a whole job. It is almost over now, and while it has been fine, it didn’t exactly work out the way I had hoped.

What does all this have to do with sobriety? Well, just as I need to do something about my social life (see last post and thank you, thank you, all of you for your wonderful support and comments!), I think sobriety may be now kicking my ass to do something about the work situation. At least, to start thinking about it seriously. It feels risky as this job gives me so much of what I need right now, but I think the dream was a way of telling me that it is also hurting my self-esteem in some way. Things to ponder.

Love and support to all of you.

xoxo

Ms. NL